Surgery

Well, the surgery is done and over with. I had a great slot in the schedule this morning at 7:30 am. In fact I was very first in the operating room! This was a such a tender mercy from God. I was so nervous I couldn't sleep later than 4:20 this morning and was basically holding my breath until the moment they put me under. Needless to say, I was glad to be first to get it over with.

I do have to say however, that I was much more peaceful about this surgery than the last one. Malone and I were able to attend the temple on Saturday and through some very sacred personal experiences, I knew everything would be ok. I am so thankful to Heavenly Father for giving me the peace and comfort I so badly needed.

The surgery went very well. Both baby and I are doing fine. I was in the operating room at 7:30 am and sent home at about 11:00, so the doctors and nurses were all very efficient. I liked my anesthesiologist much better this time too. He had a great bedside manner and I felt much more informed about what was going to happen than the last time I had this surgery. My OB came back after the surgery and let Malone know that the stitch went in very well. Currently my cervix is still pretty thick, so the timing of the cerclage was perfect. In fact, Dr. B. said the cerclage went in so well it might be a little hard to get it back out again 21 weeks from now. :)

I am in quite a bit of pain now which stinks. BUT, I know it is so worth it to have another little miracle baby in our family. Thank heaven for modern medicine. And thank heaven for Malone. He is doing such a good job taking care of me.

Our baby K on the other hand is not handling this well. She's too young to understand why she has to be gentle with me. This morning when Malone carefully helped me in the front door she was so happy to see me. She ran to me with a huge smile on her face and her arms wide open for me, wanting me to pick her up. Since I can't lift anything I had to just try to give her a hug and then move away. She was heartbroken and crying big fat crocodile tears that I couldn't pick her up. Malone held her for a while to calm her down but now she is very upset with me. I know it's irrational but it all makes me feel like a terrible mother. I do not do well with these limitations.

But, like I said, I know it will all be worth it when I'm snuggling both my babies in my arms in just another 5 months or so. I can hardly wait. :)

So, here we are now. I am a little about 16 and a half weeks along today. We're getting closer to the halfway point which I am very very excited about.

Our next appointment to look forward to is a full-on ultrasound on December 20th. We can't wait to see our baby and "hopefully" (fingers crossed) this baby won't be shy like Baby K was and will let us know if he or she is a boy or a girl.

Our little comedian

I am so thankful for my daughter. She makes me giggle every day. I can't help it, she does such funny things! For example:

Malone got up early-ish this morning to make breakfast. He made one of my favorites: Belgian Waffles. He even made a little homemade whipped cream to go with it! Isn't he the sweetest husband? :)

Anyway, after Baby K made an astronomical mess of herself with the whipped cream and syrup, a bath was mandatory. So I freed her from her high chair and away to the bathtub she ran.

After a quick shampoo and body wash, I start to drain the bath water. A minute after the water starts draining Baby K stands up and gets a very serious look on her face. So I say to her, "Did you just pee pee in the bathtub?" Immediately after I say this, Baby K looks down at herself, starts peeing, looks back up at me and says "Ew. Gross."

Surgery is officially scheduled

Well... The surgery is officially scheduled. I am supposed to be at the hospital checked into my room at 6:30 am Monday morning. The surgery is happening at 7:30.

I am so nervous, I'm really having a hard time keeping myself collected. I go along thinking I'm ok and then break into tears at the slightest mention of the surgery. I know it's not an extremely complicated surgery, but the idea of being put completely under and being intubated really freaks me out. Not to mention the intense bundle of nerves I feel about the risk associated with surgery so close to the baby's amniotic sack. There is only 3 cm space for the doctor to work within.

I have complete confidence in the doctors though. But more importantly, I have faith that God will take care of me and my baby. He knows what is best for my family and will act accordingly. So... I guess I will just have to hold my breath until Monday after the surgery. See ya on the flip side!

Baby Kicks

So I know I'm only about 16 weeks along, but a few days ago I felt the baby give a good kick for the first time! This is by far my absolute favorite part of pregnancy. Every time I feel this baby kicking I am reminded just how much of a miracle he or she is and I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for providing this opportunity.

On that note, a week from today is my surgery. (Dun dun dun) I can't believe it's already time for the cerclage! This pregnancy is seriously flying by. I am so nervous. I try not to worry, but it's unavoidable to an extent. As the day looms closer, it's getting harder not to think about it. I have to arrange for someone to take my clients for work, I have to arrange to have all of my coursework for my classes completed before the day, I had to arrange to take one final from home in bed, arrange for someone to watch Baby K, etc... etc... etc... It's all working out though, which I am very grateful for.

Tomorrow is my third doctor's appointment. We will be going over all of the pre-operation stuff. I had forgotten what this all felt like from last time. But although I am very nervous for the surgery, I am really hoping that it doesn't get postponed for any reason. I want to have the operation and the recovery done and over with already so I can quit holding my breath.

Doctor's Visit #2

Well, tomorrow is our second doctor's appointment with this pregnancy! I am 12 and 1/2 weeks along. I am super excited to go to this appointment. Of course, as I am still in the "danger zone" of the first trimester I am also feeling a bit of trepidation. There's always that thought of "what if" something goes wrong? But, I am choosing not to dwell on those negative thoughts. I can't get away from them entirely. As a result of our previous losses, my brain has kind of become hard wired to anticipate something bad happening. But, remember, I am choosing OPTIMISM! :)

This optimistic view point has really been helping me. This pregnancy has been chalk full of terrible pregnancy symptoms. Way WAY worse than either of my two previous pregnancies. But, being optimistic helps me endure and enjoy this more than I would have otherwise.

I remember when I was pregnant with Kyrsta being CONSTANTLY afraid. Looking back on it, I really committed a huge injustice because I gave in to that fear. I feel like I kind of failed my infertile friends who I know would give anything to be in that position, I failed my husband and family who really deserved to enjoy it just as much as I deserved it, and most of all I failed myself. I should have been able to experience the JOY that is supposed to come along with pregnancy. But because of my fear I felt that joy only very very rarely. Instead, I mostly felt paranoia. Which, by the way, is no good.

Anyway, lesson learned. In spite of my all-consuming nausea and fatigue, my already swelling waistline and "cough" chest, the fiery heartburn, the gazillions of nosebleeds, etc... I am ENJOYING this pregnancy. I am excited to see my little one on the screen tomorrow and praying for his or her healthy heartbeat. So that's it for now. Just staying optimistic and finding the JOY. :)

Comings and Goings

Well, the beginning of the school year has come and gone. We are actually midway through the semester and I couldn't be happier to be on the downhill slope. So far things are going well. I have been working hard and so far it has been paying off with good grades. But, the semester has been a difficult one. I am finding it difficult to balance between all my responsibilities with family, school, work, and church. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it, but it does make me nervous for next year when I will be participating in a full-time practicum (like an internship) and full-time school for my program requirements. But, since I can't do anything about that right now, I'll just focus on the classes I am in right now.

As for Malone, he is doing really well right now in his work and school. He just received word that a manuscript he submitted to the Journal of Biological Chemistry was accepted! This is a huge step toward his ability to complete his PhD. He has worked so hard for this and we are so proud of him.

Our baby K seems to be developing by a mile every day, both physically and intellectually. The other day she climbed out of her crib, so we are saying goodbye to the crib and hello to her "big girl" bed. We are nervous that she won't transition very well but are trying to stay optimistic and make it a good thing for her. She has also developed some new dance moves which, in my opinion, are adorable. She used to just bounce up and down, but now she stomps her feet, twirls, and swings her arms back and forth. It is so cute! She has also learned some new words including the words "chips" (which she pronounces as bips), some names of family members, and the words "whoa" "binky" "baby" and "yes". She will also point at things she likes and say, "that's cool!" We are especially glad that she is doing better at telling the difference between the words "no" and "yes" as she is starting to understand questions that we ask her and answer appropriately. Another cute skill she has developed is blowing kisses, and when you give her a hug she will now pat your back. Some of her favorite pasttimes are stacking (and then knocking down) blocks and playing with her Magnadoodle.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. Hope all is well with you readers out there! And Happy Halloween in a week! We just got our costumes and are looking forward to taking Kyrsta to a couple neighbors' and family members' houses for "trick or treating". Malone is going to be a scarecrow, I am going to be a wicked witch, and Kyrsta is going to be Dorothy.

First Doctor's Visit

Today is my first visit to the Doctor with this pregnancy. Today will be the first ultrasound. The doctor will check for the baby's heartbeat. It seems everyone I know has been having miscarriages recently. I am so nervous. I am terrified that we will get there and there will be something wrong. I leave for the appointment in 30 minutes. There are butterflies in my stomach. I wish someone would tell those butterflies to stay still. They are making the morning sickness worse. And that's saying a lot because up until right about now, I didn't think it could get any worse. Ugh.

Big Huge GIGANTIC

I can't believe I am sitting in front of my computer right now writing this post. It still feels so surreal. I know nobody will read this for a long time because Malone and I have decided to wait to tell anyone our good news until we feel a little more secure, but I still feel it is important to record my feelings right now. Because in my wildest dreams, this is an experience I NEVER anticipated having.

So what is so unbelievable?? Well, our AMAZING news is that...

I AM PREGNANT.

I know, I have been pregnant before. This is actually our third child. But this is such a new and surreal experience for us because this pregnancy came comparatively easily. Every other time we have made "the decision" to try to get pregnant, we have had no luck. In the past we had tried everything within our power and kept failing to conceive. Fertility medications, specialists, etc... Before, we couldn't get pregnant to save our lives. But this time?

Well, a little while ago Malone and I decided it was time to start trying again for a biological child. We had gone back and forth multiple times about the likelihood of pregnancy and the physical ramifications and compared them to the likelihood of adoption and all the emotional ramifications. Either option sounded exhausting. But we badly wanted another child. So, through much prayer and some fasting, we received a peaceful feeling that told us it would be best to try again for a biological child.

So, we decided OPTIMISM would be the new theme in our home. We knew that there was a very good chance things wouldn't work out the way we planned, but we were going to move forward and act on the assumption that everything would be ok. We bought an awesome double jogging stroller from my brother and sister-in-law for a great deal. Sure, we knew we might not get to use it if baby K grew too big before we were blessed with another child, but... Optimism. We saw a good deal on some cute little baby boy clothes... Optimism. Made a goal to get the car paid off and sell it so we can use the money and next year's tax returns to (mostly) buy a minivan... Optimism. Stopped using the birth control that regulates my PCOS and started trying to conceive again... Optimism.

Well, we had no luck at first. We tried not to let it stress us out. We knew we were in for the long haul when we started trying again. But then I developed a cyst on each of my ovaries. They both burst. It was painful. I suspected my PCOS must be getting out of control again for this to happen. That's what's happened before. And unfortunately, when my PCOS is out of control there is almost no hope of conceiving.

So, with this knowledge. Malone and I decided to try one more month. If I didn't conceive during August, I would go back to the doctor. I was prepared for the craziness that would ensue after that appointment- the chemicals to force my body to slough the tissue (which also cause some completely irritating hormone swings that are SEVERE. Malone calls it the b**** pill). After that, the Dr. would put me on birth control a minimum of 3 months to force my body back to some semblance of normalcy. So, we knew that unless I conceived during August it would most likely be another 4 months before we could try again. Ugh. We were frustrated. But, remember, we had chosen OPTIMISM. So, we shrugged our shoulders and took comfort in the fact that we were trying to follow the path Heavenly Father had directed us to take.

Well, we were closely marking the days until my next monthly was supposed to start. The day came. No sign of Aunt Flow. Optimism. The next day came. Still no sign of Aunt Flow. Optimism. The third, fourth, and fifth days all came and went without a sign of Aunt Flow. HOPE.

At the end of the fifth day, I decided I just couldn't handle it. I wanted to test. I pulled out my dollar-store pregnancy test and... uh... followed the directions (I'll put it that way to avoid being crude.) The test says you can read it any time within the first ten minutes. I decided to wait nine minutes before checking. I wanted to be sure that the test would be as clear as possible. So I waited and waited and waited. It felt like an eternity. Then I finally let myself look. I was so scared it would be negative. I picked it up and... it appeared to be NEGATIVE. Ugh. Frustration. But I just couldn't believe it. I really thought it would have a beautiful pink line for me.

So I picked it back up and scrutinized that stupid test. As I looked very very closely at it, lo and behold, there appeared to be a line. It was so faint that it was nearly invisible. I couldn't tell if it really was there or if it was my imagination. So I resolved to go to the Student Health Center on campus. I knew they conducted serum pregnancy tests which are far more accurate.

I went in and let them draw my blood for the test. After they spin it down, you have to wait 10 minutes before they are allowed to read your test result. I was waiting on pins and needles and then realized that because of the long wait in the waiting room if I waited the full ten minutes for them to read the result, I would be late giving my brother a ride to work. He had been watching Baby K for me, so I really owed it to him to be on time. Argh. I approached the nurse and she said it would be all right for me to leave and call back in a half hour to get the result.

This really tested my patience, but I left, picked up my brother and Baby K, and took my brother to work. I then ran around town to kill some time and finally got the guts to make the call. I got the nurse on the phone and this is how the conversation went:

Me: "Hi, my name is Brittany Willis. I was just in for a blood serum pregnancy test and was told I could call back for my result."

Nurse: "Oh hi Brittany! Let me get the result of that test for you. Will you hold?"

Me: Sure (I say this with as much calm as I can force myself to muster)

(LONG pause then nurse returns to the phone.)

Nurse: "Hello, Brittany?"

Me: "Yes, this is me"

Nurse: "Hi I have the result of your test right here. Your test came back, ummm... (long pause) Well, your test came back... (long pause) Oh ok, there it is, it's positive." (I think she was having trouble finding the spot on the form with the result on it.)

I was floored. I had parked my car before calling and after hanging up I just sat in the car smiling and laughing and crying and praying for probably a good fifteen minutes. After I collected myself I went back to the student health center to get a copy of my results. I was grinning from ear to ear and when I went inside the nurse handed me the paperwork and I left on cloud nine.

I went home and didn't tell anyone. (ok, unless you count telling Baby K who was in the car. I guess she was the first one to know) I wanted to surprise Malone with the news. So we went about our nightly routine as usual. I was so proud of myself for keeping the secret so long! We got Baby K to bed, settled in for a little quiet time just the two of us and I pulled out my Ipod. I asked Malone to be silly and dance with me and turned on the song "Having My Baby." Malone held me close and as soon as he heard the words pulled away with a huge smile on his face and said, "Brittany! Are you pregnant!?!" With tears streaming down my face I just smiled and nodded, got the paperwork to show him and we kept dancing. It was a very sweet moment that I will never forget.

So, here we are. My due date is May 19, 2012. I am five weeks pregnant today. We are ecstatic. But, it still doesn't quite seem real. I completely did not expect this to happen. It's hard to describe, but it's hard to believe that I actually was able to conceive when we planned/wanted to conceive. It's like, for this one moment in my life, I am...

NORMAL.

I know that might not seem that amazing to most of you out there. For me, though, it's a miracle. For those who are infertile, I know you understand. When you are infertile and you watch everyone be able to plan their pregnancies to happen right when they want them, it is hard. For me it was even harder to watch as so many people I knew experienced unplanned and (heaven forbid) even unwanted pregnancies. I used to try to imagine what it was like to just have a body that functioned normally and became pregnant when it was supposed to. But I never thought it would actually happen. But now it has. It is wonderful but so surreal. I keep expecting something bad to happen because I have become accustomed to having to fight so hard every time we try to have a child. But most of all the emotion we are experiencing is gratitude. We are so grateful to Heavenly Father that He has a plan for our family. And even though we are scared right now, we know that He is in charge. So no matter what happens, we are thankful for this pregnancy, this gift. And we are looking forward to the future. With optimism.