Big Huge GIGANTIC

I can't believe I am sitting in front of my computer right now writing this post. It still feels so surreal. I know nobody will read this for a long time because Malone and I have decided to wait to tell anyone our good news until we feel a little more secure, but I still feel it is important to record my feelings right now. Because in my wildest dreams, this is an experience I NEVER anticipated having.

So what is so unbelievable?? Well, our AMAZING news is that...

I AM PREGNANT.

I know, I have been pregnant before. This is actually our third child. But this is such a new and surreal experience for us because this pregnancy came comparatively easily. Every other time we have made "the decision" to try to get pregnant, we have had no luck. In the past we had tried everything within our power and kept failing to conceive. Fertility medications, specialists, etc... Before, we couldn't get pregnant to save our lives. But this time?

Well, a little while ago Malone and I decided it was time to start trying again for a biological child. We had gone back and forth multiple times about the likelihood of pregnancy and the physical ramifications and compared them to the likelihood of adoption and all the emotional ramifications. Either option sounded exhausting. But we badly wanted another child. So, through much prayer and some fasting, we received a peaceful feeling that told us it would be best to try again for a biological child.

So, we decided OPTIMISM would be the new theme in our home. We knew that there was a very good chance things wouldn't work out the way we planned, but we were going to move forward and act on the assumption that everything would be ok. We bought an awesome double jogging stroller from my brother and sister-in-law for a great deal. Sure, we knew we might not get to use it if baby K grew too big before we were blessed with another child, but... Optimism. We saw a good deal on some cute little baby boy clothes... Optimism. Made a goal to get the car paid off and sell it so we can use the money and next year's tax returns to (mostly) buy a minivan... Optimism. Stopped using the birth control that regulates my PCOS and started trying to conceive again... Optimism.

Well, we had no luck at first. We tried not to let it stress us out. We knew we were in for the long haul when we started trying again. But then I developed a cyst on each of my ovaries. They both burst. It was painful. I suspected my PCOS must be getting out of control again for this to happen. That's what's happened before. And unfortunately, when my PCOS is out of control there is almost no hope of conceiving.

So, with this knowledge. Malone and I decided to try one more month. If I didn't conceive during August, I would go back to the doctor. I was prepared for the craziness that would ensue after that appointment- the chemicals to force my body to slough the tissue (which also cause some completely irritating hormone swings that are SEVERE. Malone calls it the b**** pill). After that, the Dr. would put me on birth control a minimum of 3 months to force my body back to some semblance of normalcy. So, we knew that unless I conceived during August it would most likely be another 4 months before we could try again. Ugh. We were frustrated. But, remember, we had chosen OPTIMISM. So, we shrugged our shoulders and took comfort in the fact that we were trying to follow the path Heavenly Father had directed us to take.

Well, we were closely marking the days until my next monthly was supposed to start. The day came. No sign of Aunt Flow. Optimism. The next day came. Still no sign of Aunt Flow. Optimism. The third, fourth, and fifth days all came and went without a sign of Aunt Flow. HOPE.

At the end of the fifth day, I decided I just couldn't handle it. I wanted to test. I pulled out my dollar-store pregnancy test and... uh... followed the directions (I'll put it that way to avoid being crude.) The test says you can read it any time within the first ten minutes. I decided to wait nine minutes before checking. I wanted to be sure that the test would be as clear as possible. So I waited and waited and waited. It felt like an eternity. Then I finally let myself look. I was so scared it would be negative. I picked it up and... it appeared to be NEGATIVE. Ugh. Frustration. But I just couldn't believe it. I really thought it would have a beautiful pink line for me.

So I picked it back up and scrutinized that stupid test. As I looked very very closely at it, lo and behold, there appeared to be a line. It was so faint that it was nearly invisible. I couldn't tell if it really was there or if it was my imagination. So I resolved to go to the Student Health Center on campus. I knew they conducted serum pregnancy tests which are far more accurate.

I went in and let them draw my blood for the test. After they spin it down, you have to wait 10 minutes before they are allowed to read your test result. I was waiting on pins and needles and then realized that because of the long wait in the waiting room if I waited the full ten minutes for them to read the result, I would be late giving my brother a ride to work. He had been watching Baby K for me, so I really owed it to him to be on time. Argh. I approached the nurse and she said it would be all right for me to leave and call back in a half hour to get the result.

This really tested my patience, but I left, picked up my brother and Baby K, and took my brother to work. I then ran around town to kill some time and finally got the guts to make the call. I got the nurse on the phone and this is how the conversation went:

Me: "Hi, my name is Brittany Willis. I was just in for a blood serum pregnancy test and was told I could call back for my result."

Nurse: "Oh hi Brittany! Let me get the result of that test for you. Will you hold?"

Me: Sure (I say this with as much calm as I can force myself to muster)

(LONG pause then nurse returns to the phone.)

Nurse: "Hello, Brittany?"

Me: "Yes, this is me"

Nurse: "Hi I have the result of your test right here. Your test came back, ummm... (long pause) Well, your test came back... (long pause) Oh ok, there it is, it's positive." (I think she was having trouble finding the spot on the form with the result on it.)

I was floored. I had parked my car before calling and after hanging up I just sat in the car smiling and laughing and crying and praying for probably a good fifteen minutes. After I collected myself I went back to the student health center to get a copy of my results. I was grinning from ear to ear and when I went inside the nurse handed me the paperwork and I left on cloud nine.

I went home and didn't tell anyone. (ok, unless you count telling Baby K who was in the car. I guess she was the first one to know) I wanted to surprise Malone with the news. So we went about our nightly routine as usual. I was so proud of myself for keeping the secret so long! We got Baby K to bed, settled in for a little quiet time just the two of us and I pulled out my Ipod. I asked Malone to be silly and dance with me and turned on the song "Having My Baby." Malone held me close and as soon as he heard the words pulled away with a huge smile on his face and said, "Brittany! Are you pregnant!?!" With tears streaming down my face I just smiled and nodded, got the paperwork to show him and we kept dancing. It was a very sweet moment that I will never forget.

So, here we are. My due date is May 19, 2012. I am five weeks pregnant today. We are ecstatic. But, it still doesn't quite seem real. I completely did not expect this to happen. It's hard to describe, but it's hard to believe that I actually was able to conceive when we planned/wanted to conceive. It's like, for this one moment in my life, I am...

NORMAL.

I know that might not seem that amazing to most of you out there. For me, though, it's a miracle. For those who are infertile, I know you understand. When you are infertile and you watch everyone be able to plan their pregnancies to happen right when they want them, it is hard. For me it was even harder to watch as so many people I knew experienced unplanned and (heaven forbid) even unwanted pregnancies. I used to try to imagine what it was like to just have a body that functioned normally and became pregnant when it was supposed to. But I never thought it would actually happen. But now it has. It is wonderful but so surreal. I keep expecting something bad to happen because I have become accustomed to having to fight so hard every time we try to have a child. But most of all the emotion we are experiencing is gratitude. We are so grateful to Heavenly Father that He has a plan for our family. And even though we are scared right now, we know that He is in charge. So no matter what happens, we are thankful for this pregnancy, this gift. And we are looking forward to the future. With optimism.