Seriously, my mind is completely blown. This is so weird. For those of you who don't know my situation, let me give you a quick brief. Basically, for the last couple of years I have been treated for PCOS (Poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and insulin resistance. I have also been struggling with infertility as a result of anovulation. That's sort of just the tip of the iceburg, but you get the picture.
S0, remember in one of my previous posts I talked about getting a bunch of tests done that the new doc ordered? Basically, Dr. Reproductive Genius was baffled that none of my previous Dr.'s have done much testing on me to determine a fast cause of all my problems. I have had a few tests done, but nothing of much value as far as diagnostics go. Mostly the other doctors have just evaluated my symptoms as evidence enough of PCOS and Insulin Resistance. So, new doctor ordered a whole fresh workup.
Anyway, I talked with the infertility genius' office and they told me that ALL my tests for PCOS came back NORMAL. But I'm still not ovulating regularly. You got it, it is a distinct possibility that I have been treated for the WRONG things for the last 2 & 1/2 years. Do I need to say that again? 2 & 1/2 YEARS!!! This is making me crazy. At least if the Dr. had seen a distinct cause of my infertility, we could have known what options were available for treatment. But now, I have no idea whatsoever. So it's back to the Dr. on June 2nd. I'm sure I'm probably in for another round of tests.
I can't even express my frustration in writing. It makes me question whether all the time we have spent trying to get pregnant has been a waste. Why does it have to be so hard? Aren't we commanded to multiply and replenish the earth? I know that Hubby and I will be great parents. Every time I care for a child, I know in my heart that motherhood is my calling. So why must we suffer through so many barriers? My mother in law is an OB nurse, and every day she sends babies home with people who have no business trying to raise children. They just keep getting younger and younger. I think she helped deliver an 11 year old once who had gotten pregnant by her boyfriend who was just a little older than her. Why does God send babies to druggy 14 year old little girls but not to me? It was a miracle that I got pregnant with my son. I have always known that, but I know that even more now. So why did God take him from me? You don't need to tell me the answers to these questions, because I know all these answers in my head. But sometimes it's hard to get my heart to believe them.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Strange isn't it?
Ironic how the coming of something can be so dreaded, and yet the absence of that same thing can also be dreaded. Okay, enough of my phylosophical mood. Two words- Aunt Flow. (Dun dun dun...) I am always so disappointed when she comes, and yet terrified when she doesn't. Disappointed because I was desperately wishing to be pregnant. But when she doesn't come and I still find out that I'm not pregnant, then all the worries start.
However, today was the disappointed kind of dread. But there's a silver lining to this cloud. (Actually several silver linings.) First, it appears that I ACTUALLY ovulated according to my month's chart. For those of you who aren't one of us "infertiles," just understand that this is a monumental feat for me. Second, this means I don't have to use provera to induce menses unless Aunt Flow suddenly decides to quit. (Which has happened before, but at least this time it doesn't appear that that will happen.) For those of you who don't know, provera is one of the two most horrible drugs I have thus encountered in my 2 1/2 year infertility journey. My friend Elizabeth has dubbed this drug as "The suicide bomber pill" because of the fact that it makes so many women so screwed up emotionally. So hubby is feeling especially blessed that he doesn't have to endure another round against the monster I become on that stuff. This month is going to be healing for our relationship.
But I have to admit, I was really hoping that this month would be the month it finally happened. Oh well, I guess all we can do is gear up for another try. And that's really not so bad... ;) (wink)
However, today was the disappointed kind of dread. But there's a silver lining to this cloud. (Actually several silver linings.) First, it appears that I ACTUALLY ovulated according to my month's chart. For those of you who aren't one of us "infertiles," just understand that this is a monumental feat for me. Second, this means I don't have to use provera to induce menses unless Aunt Flow suddenly decides to quit. (Which has happened before, but at least this time it doesn't appear that that will happen.) For those of you who don't know, provera is one of the two most horrible drugs I have thus encountered in my 2 1/2 year infertility journey. My friend Elizabeth has dubbed this drug as "The suicide bomber pill" because of the fact that it makes so many women so screwed up emotionally. So hubby is feeling especially blessed that he doesn't have to endure another round against the monster I become on that stuff. This month is going to be healing for our relationship.
But I have to admit, I was really hoping that this month would be the month it finally happened. Oh well, I guess all we can do is gear up for another try. And that's really not so bad... ;) (wink)
Monday, May 12, 2008
Crazy Day
So today I saw my new RE/ObGyn. He is AMAZING. Seriously, it's so refreshing to talk to somebody who actually knows something about my issues. I feel sort of like I'm getting a fresh start. So, let me sum up my appointment for all of you who are interested. And if you're not... oh well- I'm summing it up anyway.
Dr. Reproductive genius is part of a team of doctors that is going to work to get me pregnant. I know that sounds awkward, but hey, it's true. He specializes in infertility (obviously) but even better, he specializes in PCOS. So after taking plenty of time to listen to all my medical history/questions/complaints he pretty much told me the doctors I have previously been treated by are crazy. Okay, so they're not crazy but they have been trying to treat me without having a clue about what the problems are. AKA, they were just reluctant to refer me to a specialist because they wanted my money. (I probably shouldn't be so cynical, but that's what it seems like.)
So here's the plan, I'm running through a ton of tests tomorrow, and he got me in for another appointment next week where the team of doctors and I will come up with an individualized health plan. He really feels confident that I will be able to achieve pregnancy again with their help, and it's really comforting that he is so optomistic. And one of the best parts? He knows the way my insurance works, and he let me know that he won't be doing anything that the insurance won't pay for. Hallelujah! Affordable infertility health care! I was beginning to think it was a myth.
On another issue, yesterday was mothers' day. It was my first mothers' day since my son died. I managed to keep myself from crying at church, and ended up being glad that I had decided to go.
One more thing, we heard from the apartment lady recently. She said that as soon as we pass the financial requirements, we're pretty much for sure going to get in. After that it's just paperwork and contract signing. So we should know by the end of next week-ish.
Dr. Reproductive genius is part of a team of doctors that is going to work to get me pregnant. I know that sounds awkward, but hey, it's true. He specializes in infertility (obviously) but even better, he specializes in PCOS. So after taking plenty of time to listen to all my medical history/questions/complaints he pretty much told me the doctors I have previously been treated by are crazy. Okay, so they're not crazy but they have been trying to treat me without having a clue about what the problems are. AKA, they were just reluctant to refer me to a specialist because they wanted my money. (I probably shouldn't be so cynical, but that's what it seems like.)
So here's the plan, I'm running through a ton of tests tomorrow, and he got me in for another appointment next week where the team of doctors and I will come up with an individualized health plan. He really feels confident that I will be able to achieve pregnancy again with their help, and it's really comforting that he is so optomistic. And one of the best parts? He knows the way my insurance works, and he let me know that he won't be doing anything that the insurance won't pay for. Hallelujah! Affordable infertility health care! I was beginning to think it was a myth.
On another issue, yesterday was mothers' day. It was my first mothers' day since my son died. I managed to keep myself from crying at church, and ended up being glad that I had decided to go.
One more thing, we heard from the apartment lady recently. She said that as soon as we pass the financial requirements, we're pretty much for sure going to get in. After that it's just paperwork and contract signing. So we should know by the end of next week-ish.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Finally!!! Progress!!!
We have FINALLY made a little progress in the infertility ring! I have hope for the first time in a long while. Today I found out our insurance covers most infertility treatments with the exception of IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). So, I immediately jumped on the phone to see if I could get in to see a specialist anytime soon. I got connected with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) a couple hours drive from here. So when I called, the receptionist was SO helpful. She knew more about PCOS than Dr. Wastes my time. And she's really helpful in letting me know how to dodge all the insurance bullets. AND the best part... she got me an appointment as soon as May 12th!!! I am so excited about this, I can't contain myself. I talked with a woman who saw this doctor and she said he's like a fertility guru. (I guess that's what I'll call him from now on.) She also said that because of Dr. Fertility Guru, she now has 2 chidren! I know I'll only be able to see him for 3 months before we move, but three months of treatment by a genius is better than none.
No good news, no bad news
Seriously, Dr. Wastes my time is such a pain. Yesterday was my appointment, and after waiting 2 hours in the waiting room, all she did was look at my BBT (Basal Body Temperature) chart. She basically said, well it doesn't look like you ovulated so you must not be pregnant. Do provera again to bring on menses, and then we'll up your clomid to the maximum dosage.
There are so many problems with everything she said. First of all, many times BBT's aren't even accurate in PCOS women. So Dr. is basing her assumptions on potentially inaccurate information. It's only been 28 days since Aunt Flow's last visit, so I haven't even technically missed a period yet. For all the Dr. knows, I could very well be pregnant. Or, I could very well get Aunt Flow without the help of the suicide bomber drug. (My friend coined that term, and it's so accurate because Provera realllllly screws with your emotions. Thanks friend!) Then, I tried to bring to her attention (AGAIN) that PCOS women aren't very responsive to clomid, and that I would like to try the femara. She told me she would look it up (that's what she said last time, but she didn't) and get back to me. In the meantime, I am supposed to wait to see if Aunt Flow will come. If it doesn't happen within the next week, I am supposed to go take a pregnancy test. At least I convinced Dr. Wastes my time to write me a scrip for a blood serum pregnancy test. That way I don't have to worry about the accuracy of a urine pregnancy test. Seriously, this is a mess. Hubby is finding out from our insurance today what they cover as far as infertility goes. I reallllly hope they will cover a specialist, because I'm done with Dr. Wastes my time. She's totally clueless. So essentially, this leaves me clueless as well. I guess in about a week we'll know more.
In other news, Malone is being transferred to the hospital closer to home. Thank goodness! That 45 minute one way drive to work was killer as far as budgeting for gas money. No kidding, last week alone we spent $83.00. That's in our little car that gets 32 mpg! There is something wrong with this world when we're paying $3.56 per gallon.
There are so many problems with everything she said. First of all, many times BBT's aren't even accurate in PCOS women. So Dr. is basing her assumptions on potentially inaccurate information. It's only been 28 days since Aunt Flow's last visit, so I haven't even technically missed a period yet. For all the Dr. knows, I could very well be pregnant. Or, I could very well get Aunt Flow without the help of the suicide bomber drug. (My friend coined that term, and it's so accurate because Provera realllllly screws with your emotions. Thanks friend!) Then, I tried to bring to her attention (AGAIN) that PCOS women aren't very responsive to clomid, and that I would like to try the femara. She told me she would look it up (that's what she said last time, but she didn't) and get back to me. In the meantime, I am supposed to wait to see if Aunt Flow will come. If it doesn't happen within the next week, I am supposed to go take a pregnancy test. At least I convinced Dr. Wastes my time to write me a scrip for a blood serum pregnancy test. That way I don't have to worry about the accuracy of a urine pregnancy test. Seriously, this is a mess. Hubby is finding out from our insurance today what they cover as far as infertility goes. I reallllly hope they will cover a specialist, because I'm done with Dr. Wastes my time. She's totally clueless. So essentially, this leaves me clueless as well. I guess in about a week we'll know more.
In other news, Malone is being transferred to the hospital closer to home. Thank goodness! That 45 minute one way drive to work was killer as far as budgeting for gas money. No kidding, last week alone we spent $83.00. That's in our little car that gets 32 mpg! There is something wrong with this world when we're paying $3.56 per gallon.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
So Nervous
I am feeling so nervous right now. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment with "Dr. Wastes My Time." (I'm calling her that because she knows nothing about infertility and failed to inform me of this until last month.) Anyway, we are going to find out how the Clomid worked this past month. I'm not sure what to think, but I'm feeling pessimistic. If I'm not pregnant, I'm going to change doctors for SURE. If I am pregnant, I'll probably stick with Dr. Wastes My Time since she knows my pregnancy history and I know she has experience performing the cerclage I will need. I know she's a good OB doctor, but she has no clue about PCOS.
So that's pretty much it for now. Pray for me everybody!
So that's pretty much it for now. Pray for me everybody!
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About Me
- Malone and Brittany
- About us? Where can I begin? Our little family has been through more ups and downs than can be described here. It has been a roller coaster since day one. Join us as we continue on our crazy ride.
