I feel BLAH... and DISCOURAGED...

Day 6 approved and waiting for our baby through the miracle of adoption

A while ago I read someone's blog post about how nobody gives an honest picture of themselves on their blogs. People write about how everything in their lives is perfect, their house is perfect, their family is perfect, they are perfect at practicing their respective religion, etc... You know you've all seen a blog like that! Lets face it, said blogs have an amazing ability to simultaneously awaken the ugly green monster of jealousy and make you want to throw up in sickeningly sweet disgust.

I'm using that as my excuse to be real in this post. Feel free to skip this if you wish to preserve the notion that I am, as you may have previously believed, one of those "perfect" people.

First of all, let me just put out there that this post is not meant to be a fishing expedition. I do not expect you to give me a million compliments, I just need to get some things off my chest. Commence with the whining.

I want to be a mom so bad it hurts. Those of you out there with infertility know what I'm talking about. It's the kind of pain that is so real it's physical. I feel that I've spent the past 3-ish years in constant prayer just begging God to give me the one blessing He won't give me. I thought it was all over when I found out I was pregnant with my son. Then at 24 weeks into my pregnancy, I received a crushing blow. It wasn't over. The pain was really just beginning. A week after my son was born, I experienced what no mother should ever experience. I held my son as he passed away. It's been almost two years since that day. We have been trying for children the entire time. Infertility treatments got us nowhere. We are hoping to adopt but it's easy to get discouraged thinking that nobody will ever want to pick us.

A lot of confusion comes with this. What am I doing wrong? Does God hate me? Why does He allow others to parent, but not me? Should I even keep trying to have children? Why can't it just be easy? If it can't be easy, why can't it just be sort-of hard instead of back-breaking hard? Haven't I suffered enough? Is there any end to this? Do I deserve to be a mother? Is this because I would be a horrible parent? The list goes on... and on... and on...

Most days, I don't feel this way. Most days I'm actually content with things. I can recognize my blessings. I have the best husband, a comfortable home, sufficient income, a good job, family and friends who love me, etc... This is another list that goes on... and on... and on... :)

However, on days like today, I just wish I could escape to somewhere like Hawaii. (Maybe that has something to do with our dreary below freezing weather.) But I know that so long as I make it through this day, tomorrow will be better.