Yay!

In keeping with my commitment, I wanted to post my weight loss progress. I'm another pound down today! Woohoo! I think I'll keep weighing myself and posting on Mondays.

In other news, we are moving in 3 days and 11 hours, and 51 minutes. But I'm not counting... :)

A bit of good

So I forgot to mention the bit of good news that I got at my appointment with my RE the other day. My weight is down! Enough so that my nurse noticed a significant difference. The weight has been coming off slowly but surely- it's taken me about 12 weeks to lose about 10 lbs. It helps that it is so much easier to be more active during the summer time. So as I continue to lose weight, I think I'll keep it posted on my blog. I figure that way, I'll be accountable to all of you out there. Ten down, 90 more to go! Actually, I really would like to be down to my goal weight (or close to it) by about the middle of April. Because my husband and I have a fancy shmancy date planned for the beginning of April and I want to get a new fancy shmancy dress to wear. I know this is way far in advance, but I'm already so excited! Because we are going to see The Phantom of the Opera performed live! And if you know me, then you'll understand how excited I am.

I dodged the bullet... for now...

Yesterday was my appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Because of the fact that we are moving next week, I will not have to be doing any progesterone treatment this month. What a relief! Honestly, I don't think I could have handled that right off the bat. So... that's the good news.

The bad news is that the Clomid does not appear to be working the way it's supposed to. Next month I will be bumped up to the maximum possible dosage- 3 pills per day for 7 days. This will most likely be my last attempt with the Clomid. After that, we'll have to see what a new RE will say. But, according to Dr. Reproductive Genius, the new doctor will most likely have me move straight to injections. I'm so scared of that. The biggest problem is the fact that I don't think we'll be able to afford any of this. Actually, I don't even know that our new insurance will cover an RE. So that really puts us in a bind. If our insurance won't cover it, that means we'll have to wait until hubby graduates and gets a job with good insurance (at least 5 years) before resuming treatment. And the chances of me getting pregnant without treatment are slim to none.

The more affordable option is to adopt through LDS Family Services (LDSFS). Basically, you have to pay $1000.00 up front and then pay the rest when a baby is actually placed with you. Of course, there are some other expenses associated with a few things like advertising, travel, legal fees, etc... but that's the general idea. This way, I can get a full-time job and save every penny I earn (aside from tithing) until we receive a child. Then we can use that savings to pay for the adoption, and (hopefully) not have to go into debt. I expect that the adoption process from start to finish will take AT LEAST a year. So that should give me plenty of time to get the money saved up.

Let me reassure you, this does not mean that we are going to quit trying to conceive. However, it does mean that our children are most likely going to come to us in another way- through adoption. But just because our genes don't match, doesn't make them any less our children. We feel like this is the way Heavenly Father is pointing us. We have done everything within our means to conceive so far, but it feels like kicking against a brick wall. Maybe that's our answer. We'll see.

In the meantime, please continue to pray for us.

Just the tip of the iceburg

So tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment with my RE. (Referred to in my previous posts as Dr. Reproductive Genius) I'm nervous because I'm pretty sure that we'll be discussing the progesterone deficiency that was discovered in my blood test a week or so ago. The treatment options are not very desirable. My choices are shots in the butt OR (excuse me if you think this is crude- but unfortunately it's medical) vaginal suppositories. Neither of these options sound pleasant. That's the understatement of the year, isn't it? This is all getting so out of hand. It seems like the obstacles to having children just keep piling up against us. At least hubby was able to get work off tomorrow so that he can go with me.

Anyway, so the attempts to get pregnant are becoming more and more like a spectacular balancing act. Have you ever seen those cartoons of clowns balancing a bamillion plates all at once? Things around here are really starting to be reminiscent of those cartoons. Here's the breakdown:

Every day: 1000 mg Metformin

Every day: charting of Basal Body Temperatures, medications, menses, intercourse

Days 5 through 9: 3 tablets of clomid each day

Not sure which days yet: Progestrone injections or suppository, blood tests to check ovulation

Days 10-30: pee on a stick ovulation tests

That's just what I know about so far. Who knows what the Dr. will have in store for me tomorrow. How I wish that having children would happen for us the way it's supposed to: a romantic, private excursion and then nine months later a healthy beautiful baby. Instead, we're battling through a mess of medical procedures and expenses, and my Dr. probably knows more about my sex life than I do. The sad part is, this is just the tip of the iceburg. If, by some miracle, I do manage to get pregnant, then we're facing surgery to keep my cervix closed, and total bed rest. (groan) But I don't let myself think about that part. It's a moot point anyway until we get there.

The hardest part is trying not to let this consume my life. However, it's really hard to avoid that when you have to keep track of so much stuff every day. Some days are harder than others. In fact, a little while ago when I was having one of those "harder" days, hubby said to me, "Am I not enough to make you happy?" I could see so much disappointment in his face that it really put things into perspective. I had to think about what this is doing to him. From then I resolved that I would always remember that he is my priority. We can still be happy regardless of whether or not we have children right now. We have a son, and we will have more children some day. I just have to learn to be happy with that. Not that we're going to quit trying. (Are you crazy?) We just have to take that leap of faith. So here goes! Jump!

Camping trip and other crazy stuff

Hubby and I are moving just two weeks from tomorrow! We have signed a lease on an apartment and sent them our deposit. We have arranged for health insurance for both of us. We have figured out the information for hooking up electricity, water, gas, etc... And now today, some more excitement! We have arranged to purchase some furniture! A nice gentleman contacted me about a couch and a table with 4 chairs that he's selling. The table has three removeable leaves, and the couch is tan, microfiber, dual reclining, and only 3 years old. They have never smoked or had indoor pets. They are an older couple, so they have kept everything really clean and well cared for. They're only getting rid of it because they just got all new furniture. Anyway, this guy is so nice! He's giving us all that furniture for a really great price. I'm so excited! That's just one less worry to deal with.

On a topic totally unrelated, Tuesday we went on our second camping trip of the season. If you have never been to Carlyle Lake in Illinois, you are missing out on a great experience. It is the biggest lake in Illinois, and the national park there is incredible- complete with picnic benches, electrical outlets, showers, a great beach, etc... I know, it's not quite "roughing it" like some people think of camping. But hey, I slept in a tent, had a camp fire, and got about a bamillion mosquito bites. (Little suggestion by the way- don't buy the cheapest mosquito repellant available at Wal-Mart. It is not, I repeat-NOT, effective in the slightest. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the company that manufactured this so called "repellant" confused the word "repellant" with the word "attractant.") No kidding, I have about 10 mosquito bites on my right hand ALONE. So my mom had the craziest idea about how to relieve the excruciating itchiness all over my arms and legs. She told me to put pieces of duct tape over each itchy bite. Yes, that's right. DUCT TAPE. So I laughed and scoffed and told her she was a nut job. But I got to the point that I would try just about anything if it meant a little relief. So now I look like a duct tape mummy. But, ya know what? It works! I reluctantly admit that my mother is, as always, right again! Who'da thunk it? Try it next time you get an itchy bug bite!

Oh, and Aunt Flow came on her own again this month. But now we're potentially facing a new fertility hurdle involving progestrone deficiencies. Long story short... I'm really beginning to feel like Heavenly Father is telling me that my genetics are not meant to be passed on.

My rusty dusty ovaries are WORKING!

YAY! After Dr. Reproductive Genius tripled my dosage of clomid, I actually ovulated this month! At least, that's what my Basal Body Temperatures are indicating. Now, if only conception happened... sometimes it sounds like a pipe dream. But I am really trying to hope for the best. Pray for me!

In other news, we officially have a new apartment to move into once we head out to graduate school! We signed the lease and sent off the deposit, so it's a done deal! We're so excited. It has three bedrooms, and 2 1/2 bathrooms. Although it wasn't our first choice, it still has most of the features we were looking for. Specifically... cleanliness, central air conditioning, three bedrooms including a master suite, a little yard space, etc... Really, the only thing we REALLY wanted that we had to give up was a garage. But we'll survive. There were a few other things that would have been nice, but they weren't necessary. For example, we would have liked to be able to paint and take Doughnut (our chinchilla) with us. But we don't have to have those things to be able to make it a home and be happy. Anyway, hubby and I are just so excited to get settled into our new place. We only have to wait about 3 1/2 more weeks! We'll be so happy to just get settled back into the swing of life and actually making progress towards a better future.

So much to talk about, so little time...

Okay, so I know it's been a long time since I posted last. Things have just been a little (no, scratch that, a LOT) crazy lately. Where to start? Okay, since my last post was about our benefit baby shower, I'll start there.

Our shower was a HUGE success. I was overwhelmed by the generosity of not just our friends and family, but of the community in general. As previously posted, our story was in the newspaper which led to countless telephone calls and emails from women who have had similar experiences in the Cardinal Glennon NICU. We received SO MANY donations. Seriously, it's all taking over Beth's house. We were able to complete about 100 parent care kits, and received something like 500 baby hats, 150 baby blankets, 100 burial outfits, wedding dresses, and tons of material and sewing notions. (Those counts are approximations.) All of these things will be donated in loving memory of our babies who passed away last year.

That leads me to another part of the craziness. June 16th was my son's first birthday. That was the hardest day I have endured since his death. I'm not kidding when I say I had a nervous breakdown. I'm not sure why, but the anniversary of his death (the 22nd) wasn't nearly so bad. My friend is calling that his "Angel-versary" and I think that's very appropriate. I just can't believe it's been a year. It's so hard when I wonder what he would have looked like if he were still here, and thinking about the party we would have held for him, etc... It was also very difficult because around this time last year, I was very certain that we would have a baby by now. But here we are, still without a baby and without even the prospect of a baby in the next year or so. I know what most of you are thinking, "you've only been married for about 3 years, you aren't patient enough." But you have to understand, three years of worry, pain, grief, and mourning is torture. And it's hard to see that it will ever end. But since then, I have been able to perk up again. I suppose each year as we remember his birthday and his "angel-versary" we will feel sad. But I honestly hope that there will never be a year as bad as this one was.

On the fertility treatment front, things are slow as molasses. I guess that's pretty standard though. I did clomid again at the beginning of this cycle. I'm up to 3 times the lowest dosage. Now we wait. Hopefully it will get me to ovulate, I'll have a blood test done to check that. If this doesn't get me to ovulate, I think the RE will move me on to more serious treatment. We'll see I guess.

In other news, that has nothing to do with any of the previous news, hubby received an additional fellowship for his PhD program. Essentially, that means a higher salary and less menial labor. This is both a good and a bad thing. It's good for obvious reasons-money. With the combined income of a job that I will be getting and his annual salary, it is entirely likely that we will be able to get out of graduate school with ZERO DEBT! I know, that's practically unheard of. But so long as hubby continues to excell with his schoolwork, I think we'll be able to accomplish it. Plus, we will also be able to save enough for a downpayment on a house when we get out of school!

However, the raise in his salary means that we won't qualify for rent controlled housing. So... we had to find another place to live when we get out to Utah. But we found a townhome that sounds like it will work out perfectly for us. It has 3 bedrooms and 2 1/2 bathrooms. And Central Air Conditioning!!!! (Just imagine the choirs of angels singing!) My brother took a look at it for us, and he said that it looks great! So we'll probably be signing a contract with them this week. Hubby and I are both just glad that we have a solid plan so that we won't be homeless in 5 weeks!

Okay, this leads me to our last piece of news. This is where we will need all of your help. And don't worry, I'll be contacting you about this later, I just wanted to give you a heads-up. We have decided to adopt! Both hubby and I have thought a lot about this, and we both feel good about going this direction. For the first time in a long time, I have a glimmer of hope in my heart.

We have already received the first packet of paperwork to complete from LDS Family Services. When we move, we will begin the process in earnest. Essentially, we will just be waiting until we can pay the $1000.00 fee that is required upfront. Where can you help? (Since I'm sure you're just dying to know...) The adoption agency tells us that the best thing we can do to adopt a baby is to network. A birth mother is much more likely to place a baby in a family that she has at least some connection with. That way she has contact with someone who can vouch for our character. We need to let as many people as possible know about us. Once our profile is available, we would love to send all of you referral cards that you could give to anyone you might have contact with who might place a baby or who might know someone who wants to place a baby for adoption. Basically, we just need you to tell everyone you know our story. And when I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE- regardless of religious views, ethnicity, race, financial background, etc... Simple enough? Well, we know that "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass." This is the way Heavenly Father works miracles in our life. And like I said earlier, I will be giving all of you more information as things progress.

Patterns

Patterns for the items we are asking for can be found at:

http://www.newbornsinneed.org/html/baby_patterns.html