First Doctor's Visit

Today is my first visit to the Doctor with this pregnancy. Today will be the first ultrasound. The doctor will check for the baby's heartbeat. It seems everyone I know has been having miscarriages recently. I am so nervous. I am terrified that we will get there and there will be something wrong. I leave for the appointment in 30 minutes. There are butterflies in my stomach. I wish someone would tell those butterflies to stay still. They are making the morning sickness worse. And that's saying a lot because up until right about now, I didn't think it could get any worse. Ugh.

Big Huge GIGANTIC

I can't believe I am sitting in front of my computer right now writing this post. It still feels so surreal. I know nobody will read this for a long time because Malone and I have decided to wait to tell anyone our good news until we feel a little more secure, but I still feel it is important to record my feelings right now. Because in my wildest dreams, this is an experience I NEVER anticipated having.

So what is so unbelievable?? Well, our AMAZING news is that...

I AM PREGNANT.

I know, I have been pregnant before. This is actually our third child. But this is such a new and surreal experience for us because this pregnancy came comparatively easily. Every other time we have made "the decision" to try to get pregnant, we have had no luck. In the past we had tried everything within our power and kept failing to conceive. Fertility medications, specialists, etc... Before, we couldn't get pregnant to save our lives. But this time?

Well, a little while ago Malone and I decided it was time to start trying again for a biological child. We had gone back and forth multiple times about the likelihood of pregnancy and the physical ramifications and compared them to the likelihood of adoption and all the emotional ramifications. Either option sounded exhausting. But we badly wanted another child. So, through much prayer and some fasting, we received a peaceful feeling that told us it would be best to try again for a biological child.

So, we decided OPTIMISM would be the new theme in our home. We knew that there was a very good chance things wouldn't work out the way we planned, but we were going to move forward and act on the assumption that everything would be ok. We bought an awesome double jogging stroller from my brother and sister-in-law for a great deal. Sure, we knew we might not get to use it if baby K grew too big before we were blessed with another child, but... Optimism. We saw a good deal on some cute little baby boy clothes... Optimism. Made a goal to get the car paid off and sell it so we can use the money and next year's tax returns to (mostly) buy a minivan... Optimism. Stopped using the birth control that regulates my PCOS and started trying to conceive again... Optimism.

Well, we had no luck at first. We tried not to let it stress us out. We knew we were in for the long haul when we started trying again. But then I developed a cyst on each of my ovaries. They both burst. It was painful. I suspected my PCOS must be getting out of control again for this to happen. That's what's happened before. And unfortunately, when my PCOS is out of control there is almost no hope of conceiving.

So, with this knowledge. Malone and I decided to try one more month. If I didn't conceive during August, I would go back to the doctor. I was prepared for the craziness that would ensue after that appointment- the chemicals to force my body to slough the tissue (which also cause some completely irritating hormone swings that are SEVERE. Malone calls it the b**** pill). After that, the Dr. would put me on birth control a minimum of 3 months to force my body back to some semblance of normalcy. So, we knew that unless I conceived during August it would most likely be another 4 months before we could try again. Ugh. We were frustrated. But, remember, we had chosen OPTIMISM. So, we shrugged our shoulders and took comfort in the fact that we were trying to follow the path Heavenly Father had directed us to take.

Well, we were closely marking the days until my next monthly was supposed to start. The day came. No sign of Aunt Flow. Optimism. The next day came. Still no sign of Aunt Flow. Optimism. The third, fourth, and fifth days all came and went without a sign of Aunt Flow. HOPE.

At the end of the fifth day, I decided I just couldn't handle it. I wanted to test. I pulled out my dollar-store pregnancy test and... uh... followed the directions (I'll put it that way to avoid being crude.) The test says you can read it any time within the first ten minutes. I decided to wait nine minutes before checking. I wanted to be sure that the test would be as clear as possible. So I waited and waited and waited. It felt like an eternity. Then I finally let myself look. I was so scared it would be negative. I picked it up and... it appeared to be NEGATIVE. Ugh. Frustration. But I just couldn't believe it. I really thought it would have a beautiful pink line for me.

So I picked it back up and scrutinized that stupid test. As I looked very very closely at it, lo and behold, there appeared to be a line. It was so faint that it was nearly invisible. I couldn't tell if it really was there or if it was my imagination. So I resolved to go to the Student Health Center on campus. I knew they conducted serum pregnancy tests which are far more accurate.

I went in and let them draw my blood for the test. After they spin it down, you have to wait 10 minutes before they are allowed to read your test result. I was waiting on pins and needles and then realized that because of the long wait in the waiting room if I waited the full ten minutes for them to read the result, I would be late giving my brother a ride to work. He had been watching Baby K for me, so I really owed it to him to be on time. Argh. I approached the nurse and she said it would be all right for me to leave and call back in a half hour to get the result.

This really tested my patience, but I left, picked up my brother and Baby K, and took my brother to work. I then ran around town to kill some time and finally got the guts to make the call. I got the nurse on the phone and this is how the conversation went:

Me: "Hi, my name is Brittany Willis. I was just in for a blood serum pregnancy test and was told I could call back for my result."

Nurse: "Oh hi Brittany! Let me get the result of that test for you. Will you hold?"

Me: Sure (I say this with as much calm as I can force myself to muster)

(LONG pause then nurse returns to the phone.)

Nurse: "Hello, Brittany?"

Me: "Yes, this is me"

Nurse: "Hi I have the result of your test right here. Your test came back, ummm... (long pause) Well, your test came back... (long pause) Oh ok, there it is, it's positive." (I think she was having trouble finding the spot on the form with the result on it.)

I was floored. I had parked my car before calling and after hanging up I just sat in the car smiling and laughing and crying and praying for probably a good fifteen minutes. After I collected myself I went back to the student health center to get a copy of my results. I was grinning from ear to ear and when I went inside the nurse handed me the paperwork and I left on cloud nine.

I went home and didn't tell anyone. (ok, unless you count telling Baby K who was in the car. I guess she was the first one to know) I wanted to surprise Malone with the news. So we went about our nightly routine as usual. I was so proud of myself for keeping the secret so long! We got Baby K to bed, settled in for a little quiet time just the two of us and I pulled out my Ipod. I asked Malone to be silly and dance with me and turned on the song "Having My Baby." Malone held me close and as soon as he heard the words pulled away with a huge smile on his face and said, "Brittany! Are you pregnant!?!" With tears streaming down my face I just smiled and nodded, got the paperwork to show him and we kept dancing. It was a very sweet moment that I will never forget.

So, here we are. My due date is May 19, 2012. I am five weeks pregnant today. We are ecstatic. But, it still doesn't quite seem real. I completely did not expect this to happen. It's hard to describe, but it's hard to believe that I actually was able to conceive when we planned/wanted to conceive. It's like, for this one moment in my life, I am...

NORMAL.

I know that might not seem that amazing to most of you out there. For me, though, it's a miracle. For those who are infertile, I know you understand. When you are infertile and you watch everyone be able to plan their pregnancies to happen right when they want them, it is hard. For me it was even harder to watch as so many people I knew experienced unplanned and (heaven forbid) even unwanted pregnancies. I used to try to imagine what it was like to just have a body that functioned normally and became pregnant when it was supposed to. But I never thought it would actually happen. But now it has. It is wonderful but so surreal. I keep expecting something bad to happen because I have become accustomed to having to fight so hard every time we try to have a child. But most of all the emotion we are experiencing is gratitude. We are so grateful to Heavenly Father that He has a plan for our family. And even though we are scared right now, we know that He is in charge. So no matter what happens, we are thankful for this pregnancy, this gift. And we are looking forward to the future. With optimism.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off to School I Go!

Well, summer is quickly nearing its end. In fact, school starts tomorrow. This semester I am taking three upper division Social Work classes and for my choice of an elective I am taking a Family Finance course. I am really looking forward to all of my classes but not looking forward to my weekends being consumed by homework again. But I know it will be worth it in the end.

The good news is, we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Malone will be able to graduate in just a year and a half. I know, 18 months is still kind of a long time, but when you compare it to how long we have been in school since we've been married (5 & 1/2 years) it seems like it's only a drop in the bucket. And that's not including the 2 years Malone completed BEFORE we got married!

I, unfortunately, still have 2 years left so I have one more semester past what Malone does. I don't know what we'll do if Malone graduates and finds a job before I finish. In that case he may have to head out to wherever his job is as soon as he gets the job while I finish up school. That situation wouldn't exactly be the most pleasant but it may be necessary. Anyway, we are beginnig to put feelers out for possible job opportunities looking for a PhD Biochemist. If anyone has any tips, please send them our way!

Mary Mary Quite Contrary, How Does Your Garden Grow?

Well, my name isn't Mary, but our garden is definitely growing! Our friends Carol and Todd are letting us use a large part of their garden space this summer. We are so thankful! We have really been enjoying caring for it although we don't get to it as often as we would like with our busy schedule. In spite of the random bouts of neglect, however, it's really been doing well. So far we have harvested zucchini, cucumbers, and cherry tomatoes. In addition to that, we also have cantaloupe, watermelon, regular tomatoes, and corn that are thriving. Some of the corn is almost eight feet tall and pretty much all the stocks have two and some even have three ears of corn. Anyway, here is a photo of Malone amidst all the plants for your enjoyment. Malone is 6 ' 2, so it gives you an idea of the size of all the plants.

Maybe Boring, Maybe Not

Well, this might be a somewhat boring post. I'm just warning you now. It's not filled with the usual adventure and excitement of my regular posts (haha). So, if you were looking for a cliff hanger, feel free to skip on to the next blog. I feel some rambling coming on.

Recently, our life has been fairly quiet compared to its usual insanity. We are still busy, but a little less so. I have fewer hours at work and Malone has been able to spend a little more time at home. It's been so nice. We were even able to go to a theme park and leave Baby K with my sister-in-law. She had a blast and Malone and I were so appreciative of some significant alone time. We did realize after riding a few of the roller coasters, however, that we are both a little less adventurous than we used to be. There was one or two roller coasters that got my heart pounding a little too hard for my taste. And I'm not talking about heart pounding in the sense of "I can't wait to get on that ride again and ride it fifty more times". No no, I'm talking about the "I think I'm going to throw up if I don't die first" type of heart pounding. I guess I'm getting old. But in my defense, there was one ride that I swear every single cart had at least one piece that was held on by nothing more than red duct tape. And that's no exaggeration.

In other news, Malone received word back from a paper he has submitted to a scientific journal for publication. The editor asked for revisions and then resubmission, so that's a pretty good sign. Granted, it's not as good as if it had been accepted right away, but we'll take this over a rejection any day.

As for me, I am starting to gear up for the new school year. I can't believe it's only a month away! I'm glad it's coming quickly. I am beyond antsy to be done with school. Too bad we still have four more semesters to go. Blah. I just have to keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end. Malone will have a PhD, I will have a Bachelor's degree and hopefully all this education will lead to job security. Our fingers are crossed anyway.

As for other thoughts on my mind... Well, I guess I'll just say that infertility sucks. I know, I know. That was a huge leap from the previous topic, but like I said. I'm rambling. Anyway, yeah. Now that Baby K is getting close to being a year and a half old Malone and I have been talking about trying to grow our family again. We would like Baby K to have a sibling no more than three or three and a half years younger than her. But all of this of course brings back all the old infertility mumbo jumbo. (And trust me, that's probably the most tame way I can coin that sentiment)

A lot of people have assumed that just because I was able to conceive and carry Baby K, that means I'm not infertile anymore, like having a baby means I am miraculously cured. They seem to not understand that there's a difference between being "infertile" and being "sterile." When I hear that it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. If only those people knew just how wrong they were. My PCOS is somewhat under control now with the meds that I have been on since Baby K finished nursing. My losing 25 pounds has helped, but it hasn't cured anything and I have had to fight tooth and nail for every ounce of that weight loss. And now it's hard not to give in to despair. Do we try again for a biological child? That thought fills me with dread. Do we try again to adopt? Again, dread. It's hard not to despair sometimes. Thinking back on our journey to parenthood reawakens so many emotions that I had nearly forgotten. I know five years isn't nearly as long as some people experience, but sometimes I imagine myself repeating everything we went through and I am exhausted just thinking about it.

Don't get me wrong. Every single moment and pain was so so worth it and I would do it all over again and again and again if I had to. I know how blessed I am to be a Mom. I get to mother my Baby K now and someday I know I'll get to have our baby G back too. It's just that in my heart I long for the members of my family that I feel are still missing. And the prospect of how we're going to get them here is a bit frightening and very daunting. But I know it will be ok. Like I said, it has all been so worth it and I know I'll feel the same way about whatever we have to experience in the future with our attempts to have children. It's just the process of starting all over again is kind of like someone sucker punching you in the gut. Not pleasant.

Well, I hope all of that wasn't too depressing or offensive. I sometimes hesitate to talk about things like that knowing that some of my friends are still struggling to patiently await the blessing of receiving their first child. It makes me wonder if wanting more children makes me greedy. After all, I have my husband and two children that are mine forever. I am blessed beyond measure already and I am so grateful for the blessing of my family. But then I remember something that stuck with Malone and I the entire time we were hoping to adopt. We aren't just praying for ANY child to come to our family. We are waiting for OUR children. And I don't think that wanting the children that God has planned to be a part of our family is greedy. I think that's just part of my longing to fulfill God's plan for me. So there you go. Take it or leave it, that's the "gospel according to Brittany".

It's the Simple Joys

The heat has been steadily rising over the past little while and in our new apartment we do not have Central Air Conditioning. It hasn't been bad until recently, but now it has become almost unbearable. So, we decided it might be a good idea to look around for a window air conditioning unit. But, before we invested too much time and energy into shopping around we decided it would be a good idea to check with our landlords to see if they would be ok with it. Well, to our surprise, our landlords were not only ok with it, they offered to buy it!!! YAY!!!! We have the best landlords! Not only did they offer to buy it, but they offered to buy a high quality one that will keep our entire apartment cool instead of just the cheap one that we had planned on buying that would only cool our living room. So tomorrow we are going shopping and tomorrow night we will be spending our evening in comfort. HOORAY!!!!

This is the Post where I Amaze Myself.

Seriously, when was the last time I posted so frequently? I guess I can be amazing! Just kidding. But in all seriousness, recently I made it a goal to blog more often because this is the closest thing I get to actually writing in a journal. So here I am! Blogging again! Sometimes I'm afraid that what I have to share will actually be really boring for most people though. So, if you are reading this, and it's boring for you, feel free to tune out. I promise I won't hate you. Not forever anyway. haha

So, not too long ago I had one of THOSE experiences. You know, the experiences that Moms have that they will tell their children over and over about. Especially when the Mom needs some sort of leverage to get their kid to do something or to guilt trip their kid about something they've done wrong. Well, from now on whenever baby K gives me a hard time I can tell her, "Well, I cleaned up your poopy after you smeared it everywhere during nap time so that means you have to...! (feel free to fill in the blank here with whatever you wish. Things like washing dishes, weeding the garden will be appropriate)"

Yep, that's right. In the tiny amount of time between when I heard her wake up over the baby monitor to the time I went in to pick her up from her nap, she had pulled off her pants, pulled off her NASTY dirty diaper that was loaded with poopy, and proceeded to smear her poopy everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I do mean everywhere. The bars of the crib, the mattress, the wall that was within her reach, her legs, stomach, chest, arms, and (worst of all) all over her FACE. So what did I do? Well, I did the only thing a mother should do in the situation. I giggled a bit, and ran to grab the camera before cleaning up the nasty mess. After all, a Mom needs blackmail material for the future right?

I then proceeded to give her not one, but two baths. I got her all rinsed off at first and then had to let the icky drain away. Then I had to clean the bathtub quickly before giving her the second sanitizing bath with plenty of soap. In between the baths while she was standing on the bath room rug waiting (pretty patiently, actually) she decided it would be a good time to squat and pee. Awesome. Now I had to scrub the baby clean, scrub the bath room rug clean, and scrub her bedroom and crib clean. It took a lot of time to clean it to where I was satisfied, but you know what? I still love being her Mom. It's not the most glamorous job in the world, but when these frustrating moments come it's easy to remember back to the time before she came to our family. I so desperately wanted to be a mother. I longed for every single one of these experiences. Having struggled through infertility, it's easier to appreciate my little blessing. Even when she is being a little monster and creating messes (that I have to admit are sometimes completely foul and repulsive.)

By the way, the funniest part? Malone really laughed at me for having to be the one to clean up that mess. But guess what? A few days ago when I was out with the girls, Malone was giving baby K a bath after dinner. She decided to even out the score between Mommy and Daddy and pooped in the bathtub.

So much news, so little time

Well, it has been quite a long while since the last time I blogged. Things have been so busy, it's ridiculous! But I don't think my life would feel normal without the busy-ness.

For starters, Malone found out a paper of his was declined to a journal that he submitted it to. Boo. They said it wasn't the right fit for the journal, but that it was good so he should submit it to a different journal. So, now it is submitted to the new journal and we are waiting to hear back about this second go-around. Wish us luck! He really needs this publication so that he can graduate on time. On a more positive note, he has had some real success recently at work. He has discovered something that could be kind of a big deal, so he's (momentarily at least) on cloud nine.

In other news, I got accepted to the Social Work program I applied to at the school I am attending! Yay! It has been such a relief to know what my plan is for school for the next couple of years. They had to reject about 30 applicants, so I feel very blessed to have been accepted.

K baby has been growing like a weed! She is getting taller and she is developing right on track. She only has a handful of teeth left to come in, and I recently trimmed her hair for the first time. Granted, it was just her bangs because they were getting in her eyes, but I thought it was a milestone! I was super nervous, but I didn't cry and it came out looking really cute so it's all good.

This summer our family is also growing a garden. We have some great friends who have graciously allowed us to use a portion of their garden space. We are growing lots of corn, tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, cantaloup, watermelon, cucumbers, and zucchini (which already has some baby zucchinis coming on!). So far everything seems to be coming up very well and we are super excited to have some home grown produce. Apartment living has its downsides, one of them being not having a yard with our own garden space. But thankfully, that's not a problem for us this year!

Speaking of apartments, we actually moved from our cute little house. Our friends helped us arrange to move into the apartment they were moving out of for their new job. The apartment has a third bedroom and a little bit cheaper rent. The utilities are also a little less expensive and (YAY) it has a dishwasher!!! We were so sad to leave our house behind though. We formed so many good memories there and we loved not having neighbors in our faces all the time. We will miss it. But although change is hard sometimes, it is also good, and we are absolutely loving our new place!

Ok, to end this long narrative, this past week we had quite an adventure. On Friday we were scheduled to go camping for a family reunion. We decided it would be fun to take an extra day and go up for a little camping trip on Thursday, just the three of us. That way we would already have things all set up for Friday and we would get some quality family time in. Well, we were having a really great time until at 3:00 a.m. we had an unexpected visitor to our camp site. We were sound asleep when a Sherriff's deputy came and knocked on our tent. To make a long story short, we had to be emergency evacuated from the campsite because the creek we were camping next to had flooded and washed out the road bridge. We had to leave almost everything behind (including our car), were shuttled across the water, and a deputy gave us a ride home. They wouldn't let us go get all our stuff back until Monday. It was sort of scary and a lot annoying being without our car. Most of all, however, we were thankful that we were all safe. K baby even slept through (almost) the entire ordeal. Now we are back to normal life and can smile at the whole thing.

One thing's for sure though, that experience taught me a valuable lesson. I really should put 72 hour kits in our car trunk for emergencies. I can't imagine what we would have done if we had been stranded in our campsite. All we would have had to exist off of would have been Doritos, Orange slices (the candy kind. Not the healthy kind. We were camping for goodness sake!), marshmallows, and a few bottles of water. It wouldn't have lasted long and we could have been in real trouble. I am going to be putting those 72 hour kits in both our car and in our apartment right away.

Well, that's it for now! I'll update with pictures soon.