Devastation

First of all, I just want to say that this is not an invitation for anyone to bash me and my husband or even our former birthmom, J. If that is your intention after reading this post, please have the decency to restrain yourself. This is simply an opportunity for Malone and I to inform our family, friends, and acquaintances of what is happening.

Now on to the hard stuff. I won't include all the details because, frankly, that would be kind of pointless. So here it is in all its ugliness:

J has decided not to place with us. She has not decided to keep the baby, but will be placing her with another family instead. Why? Well, that's the million dollar question. Malone and I are still confused about that ourselves. When we asked J why, her reply was (and I quote) "I don't feel that it's fair that you guys have everything and I'm getting nothing." There were a number of other things that were said to us, but they all tied back to the perception she has that we have things that she doesn't have.

Right now Malone and I are feeling that we've had the rug pulled out from under us. We feel confused, betrayed, used, lonely, hurt, frustrated, angry, etc... We don't know how to begin to overcome all of this loss... again. It's hard to believe or understand that in just four years we have had to cope with infertility, the death of our son, the failed adoption of Jaida, and the failed adoption of the baby we planned to name Bryleigh. But although this is excruciatingly painful and tremendously difficult, we will learn to move on. We are sort of becoming experts in coping with these kinds of things.

Although we are feeling very hurt, we are not hateful towards J and we don't want any of you to be either. There are issues (some of which are medical) that we have no control over. That doesn't excuse some behavior, but it does help us understand a little bit.

For now we are sort of just retreating to each other. We are giving ourselves permission to grieve privately. We aren't ready to face a lot of questioning. It's enough to know that you are all praying for us and thinking of us.

My guess is that some of you are thinking, "Well, can J change her mind?" Yes, she can change her mind. But at this point we feel that our best course of action is to move forward under the assumption that her decision is permanent. It makes it easier to move on that way. And we are allowing ourselves to celebrate the baby that I'm expecting. The fact that I'm pregnant does not take away the feelings of loss that we are experiencing, but it does give us hope. We are choosing to focus on the hope rather than the loss.

29 and 22

Day 293 Waiting for our miracle babies

Finally it's FRIDAY!!! Thank goodness! It has been a super long week. Today our birthmom, J, is at 29 weeks, and I am at 22 weeks. We are SO excited that this is J's last week in the 20's! She only has 8 more weeks until she's considered "full-term." That's right, only about 2 more months! I can't tell you how excited and anxious Malone and I are getting. As soon as Christmas is over we will be packing all the decorations and putting the boxes into the storage unit. Then we'll pull out all the boxes of baby stuff and get the nursery ready. I can't WAIT! Some of the things in those boxes have been waiting for a very very long time to be used. It's hard to believe that our little girl is really almost here.

As for me, I have been feeling anxious lately. Soon I will be 23 weeks along. When I was pregnant with Gavin, it was at 23 weeks 3 days that I went into the hospital and the doctor discovered that my cervix had failed. Getting close to that point is making me incredibly nervous. I am so excited to have made it this far however. Every time I feel the baby kicking I just want to cry because I never thought I would get to experience that feeling again. And I am super excited to go to my ultrasound appointment on Tuesday! Hopefully this time the baby will cooperate and let us see if we need to plan for a boy or a girl!

Featured

Day 292 Waiting for our miracle babies

Today I am excited because I get to feature our great friends, Rey and Dianna, who are hoping to adopt. We have gotten to know them over the past year at our "Couples In Waiting" group that we attend for FSA. And I can personally attest that they are AMAZING and will be AWESOME parents. One of the things I really respect about this couple is that even through their failed adoption this summer, they have always put their adoption journey in God's hands. They've been through some rough times, and we have been praying that their miracle baby will come to them soon. Anyhow, I am privileged to introduce to you, Rey and Dianna.

"We married at the LDS Salt Lake Temple, have been very happy together and hope to be forever. When we were married we wanted to start our family. However things have not turned out as we planned. Life's path has taken us the route of adoption. Even though adoption was not our original plan, we are very excited and are waiting for our first baby to come!" To view their profile with LDSFS click here. To view their adoption blog click here. To learn more about their story, view their family blog here. And while you're visiting their family blog be sure to check out the most ADORABLE little booties that Dianna makes! They are absolutely gorgeous. And the best thing is that she will sell a pair to you and the proceeds will help them to pay for their adoption!

If you are a hopeful adoptive family and would like to be featured on my blog, you can contact me at maloneandbrittanyadopt@gmail.com. Include a photo, a way to contact you, a link to your online profile/blog, and a short paragraph about your family. I will ask my contacts to spread the word for you. The only thing I ask in return is that you be sure to let your waiting friends know about this opportunity so that I can spread the word for them too.

Happy Holidays

Day 290 Waiting for our miracle babies

So, my sister and my brother-in-law always go cut down a real tree for Christmas. This year, they were super duper nice and got one for us while they were at it. We put it up a couple of days ago so I am now basking in the lovely scent of pine tree. Of course, we also put up our fake tree, so now our house looks like a forest! Anyhow, the tree was a "bit" bigger than I had expected. When we strapped it onto the top of our car to take it home, I was worried it was so big it might tip our car over. But it was so hilarious I just had to take a picture. It makes me giggle a bit every time I see it. Hope it puts a smile on your face too!

Featured

Day 288 Waiting for our miracle babies

Well, today is the last day of November which is National Adoption Month. I haven't been especially good about posting about adoption every day this month, but I have made an effort amidst the craziness that is my life. But I do want to do one more feature this month. So, please let me introduce Ryan, Helen, and Emily.

"We are excited to add to our family again through the miracle of adoption. Ryan is a patent attorney, Helen is a stay-at-home mom, and Emily is our adorable two-year-old daughter whom we adopted at birth. We adore her birth parents and enjoy an open relationship with them. We are ready to do it all again! We hope to adopt through LDS Family Services. You can read our Dear Birth Parent letter by clicking here. Please contact us with any questions you have by emailing us at ryanandhelenldsfs@hotmail.com." You can view Ryan and Helen's profile on the LDSFS website by clicking here.

Since it has been so fun spotlighting hopeful couples this month, I have decided to make it a permanent feature on my blog! So, if you are a hopeful adoptive family, send me your information. Include a photo, a way to contact you, a link to your online profile/blog, and a short paragraph about your family. You can send this information to me at maloneandbrittanyadopt@gmail.com. I will ask my contacts to spread the word for you. The only thing I ask in return is that you be sure to let your waiting friends know about this opportunity so that I can spread the word for them too.

28 and 21

Day 285 Waiting for our miracle babies

Today marks a big milestone in our birthmom, J's, pregnancy. She is now 28 weeks! To all of you, that might sound like just another week. But, to us it's special. Why? Well, when we were in the hospital with Gavin, a Neonatologist told us that 28 weeks is sort of "a magic number." If a baby is delivered any time after (roughly) the 28 week mark, the baby almost always survives and will be able to live a normal life without permanent ramifications to their health. So, when I was in the hospital with Gavin, I dreamed of what it would be like to make it to 28 weeks. It feels good to know that J has made it that far.

As for me, I am now celebrating week 21! Sometimes it feels like I'm just slowly plodding along, but I am so thankful today that I am this far. And, we had a very BIG exciting moment this week! Malone and I were lying in bed getting ready to fall asleep, and Malone had his hand on my belly. All of a sudden, the baby gives the biggest kick yet and Malone could FEEL the baby kicking against his hand! I cried and we thanked Heavenly Father for the millionth time that He is performing these amazing miracles in our life.

Ultrasound visit

Day 282 Waiting for our miracle babies

Best news ever, my cervix is still in PERFECT shape! The Perinatologist who analyzed me said, "It looks like a brick." So, I have managed to escape full-time bed rest for at least 2 more weeks. Can we all give a collective sigh of relief here? Phew! The baby is measuring a little bit small, but development of all organs and everything looks right on track. And can I just say, I am so thankful every time I get to listen to that little heartbeat. If I could listen to it all day long, I would.

Ok, but I know that's not the real news you're all waiting for. But, unfortunately, I won't be telling you all if the baby is a boy or a girl today. Why? Because this silly child is apparently VERY shy! No matter how much the ultrasound tech jiggled my belly, the baby REFUSED to uncross his/her legs. Stubborn kid...

The new date to "wait for" is December 8th when the next ultrasound is scheduled. Sorry to keep you on pins and needles, but you'll have to talk to the baby about that one.

Featured

Day 280 Waiting for our miracle babies

Our second featured couple this month is Josh and Savannah. I could tell you a little about these two as I have met them personally and think they're pretty amazing, but I can't say it as well as Savannah can. The following is her story:

I married my high school sweetheart in 2001. For a few months we tried a few forms of birth control. After about a year, we decided we would let nature take its course. If we had babies, that would be great, but we wouldn't stress if they didn't come. Fast forward 6 years and we are still childless. We started to realize that something could be wrong. Long story short, we discovered that I have PCOS and hubs had a zero sperm count.

One night, Josh was driving home from work and he heard a commercial for Hallmark Cards. It talked about a lady finding a card for a unique situation... her friend had just adopted. At that moment he knew that we were meant to adopt. I think that helped prepare us for his test results that came back a few days later. We should have been devastated that we couldn't get pregnant, most couples are. It was heartbreaking, but we knew it wasn't over for us. We could still be parents.

We started our adoption paperwork through LDS Family Services in May of 2007 and we have now been approved to adopt for 18 months. That's the same as the length of two pregnancies... Why the long wait? I'm really not sure. We went into the idea of adoption knowing that we needed to find our child, not just any child. We know that Heaven has a child picked out for us and that we need to find each other. But this is something we can't do alone. Adoptions in general have a better chance of happening if the adoptive couple actively looks for their birth mom. That means we need your help. Please pass our information along to anyone you know who might be interested in placing a child for adoption.

We think adoption is a wonderful thing and we can't wait for our family to grow through this miracle. You can learn more about our family on our adoption blog HERE.

If you are a couple hoping to adopt and would like to be featured on my blog please email me at maloneandbrittanyadopt@gmail.com.