Devastation

First of all, I just want to say that this is not an invitation for anyone to bash me and my husband or even our former birthmom, J. If that is your intention after reading this post, please have the decency to restrain yourself. This is simply an opportunity for Malone and I to inform our family, friends, and acquaintances of what is happening.

Now on to the hard stuff. I won't include all the details because, frankly, that would be kind of pointless. So here it is in all its ugliness:

J has decided not to place with us. She has not decided to keep the baby, but will be placing her with another family instead. Why? Well, that's the million dollar question. Malone and I are still confused about that ourselves. When we asked J why, her reply was (and I quote) "I don't feel that it's fair that you guys have everything and I'm getting nothing." There were a number of other things that were said to us, but they all tied back to the perception she has that we have things that she doesn't have.

Right now Malone and I are feeling that we've had the rug pulled out from under us. We feel confused, betrayed, used, lonely, hurt, frustrated, angry, etc... We don't know how to begin to overcome all of this loss... again. It's hard to believe or understand that in just four years we have had to cope with infertility, the death of our son, the failed adoption of Jaida, and the failed adoption of the baby we planned to name Bryleigh. But although this is excruciatingly painful and tremendously difficult, we will learn to move on. We are sort of becoming experts in coping with these kinds of things.

Although we are feeling very hurt, we are not hateful towards J and we don't want any of you to be either. There are issues (some of which are medical) that we have no control over. That doesn't excuse some behavior, but it does help us understand a little bit.

For now we are sort of just retreating to each other. We are giving ourselves permission to grieve privately. We aren't ready to face a lot of questioning. It's enough to know that you are all praying for us and thinking of us.

My guess is that some of you are thinking, "Well, can J change her mind?" Yes, she can change her mind. But at this point we feel that our best course of action is to move forward under the assumption that her decision is permanent. It makes it easier to move on that way. And we are allowing ourselves to celebrate the baby that I'm expecting. The fact that I'm pregnant does not take away the feelings of loss that we are experiencing, but it does give us hope. We are choosing to focus on the hope rather than the loss.