Maybe Boring, Maybe Not

Well, this might be a somewhat boring post. I'm just warning you now. It's not filled with the usual adventure and excitement of my regular posts (haha). So, if you were looking for a cliff hanger, feel free to skip on to the next blog. I feel some rambling coming on.

Recently, our life has been fairly quiet compared to its usual insanity. We are still busy, but a little less so. I have fewer hours at work and Malone has been able to spend a little more time at home. It's been so nice. We were even able to go to a theme park and leave Baby K with my sister-in-law. She had a blast and Malone and I were so appreciative of some significant alone time. We did realize after riding a few of the roller coasters, however, that we are both a little less adventurous than we used to be. There was one or two roller coasters that got my heart pounding a little too hard for my taste. And I'm not talking about heart pounding in the sense of "I can't wait to get on that ride again and ride it fifty more times". No no, I'm talking about the "I think I'm going to throw up if I don't die first" type of heart pounding. I guess I'm getting old. But in my defense, there was one ride that I swear every single cart had at least one piece that was held on by nothing more than red duct tape. And that's no exaggeration.

In other news, Malone received word back from a paper he has submitted to a scientific journal for publication. The editor asked for revisions and then resubmission, so that's a pretty good sign. Granted, it's not as good as if it had been accepted right away, but we'll take this over a rejection any day.

As for me, I am starting to gear up for the new school year. I can't believe it's only a month away! I'm glad it's coming quickly. I am beyond antsy to be done with school. Too bad we still have four more semesters to go. Blah. I just have to keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end. Malone will have a PhD, I will have a Bachelor's degree and hopefully all this education will lead to job security. Our fingers are crossed anyway.

As for other thoughts on my mind... Well, I guess I'll just say that infertility sucks. I know, I know. That was a huge leap from the previous topic, but like I said. I'm rambling. Anyway, yeah. Now that Baby K is getting close to being a year and a half old Malone and I have been talking about trying to grow our family again. We would like Baby K to have a sibling no more than three or three and a half years younger than her. But all of this of course brings back all the old infertility mumbo jumbo. (And trust me, that's probably the most tame way I can coin that sentiment)

A lot of people have assumed that just because I was able to conceive and carry Baby K, that means I'm not infertile anymore, like having a baby means I am miraculously cured. They seem to not understand that there's a difference between being "infertile" and being "sterile." When I hear that it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. If only those people knew just how wrong they were. My PCOS is somewhat under control now with the meds that I have been on since Baby K finished nursing. My losing 25 pounds has helped, but it hasn't cured anything and I have had to fight tooth and nail for every ounce of that weight loss. And now it's hard not to give in to despair. Do we try again for a biological child? That thought fills me with dread. Do we try again to adopt? Again, dread. It's hard not to despair sometimes. Thinking back on our journey to parenthood reawakens so many emotions that I had nearly forgotten. I know five years isn't nearly as long as some people experience, but sometimes I imagine myself repeating everything we went through and I am exhausted just thinking about it.

Don't get me wrong. Every single moment and pain was so so worth it and I would do it all over again and again and again if I had to. I know how blessed I am to be a Mom. I get to mother my Baby K now and someday I know I'll get to have our baby G back too. It's just that in my heart I long for the members of my family that I feel are still missing. And the prospect of how we're going to get them here is a bit frightening and very daunting. But I know it will be ok. Like I said, it has all been so worth it and I know I'll feel the same way about whatever we have to experience in the future with our attempts to have children. It's just the process of starting all over again is kind of like someone sucker punching you in the gut. Not pleasant.

Well, I hope all of that wasn't too depressing or offensive. I sometimes hesitate to talk about things like that knowing that some of my friends are still struggling to patiently await the blessing of receiving their first child. It makes me wonder if wanting more children makes me greedy. After all, I have my husband and two children that are mine forever. I am blessed beyond measure already and I am so grateful for the blessing of my family. But then I remember something that stuck with Malone and I the entire time we were hoping to adopt. We aren't just praying for ANY child to come to our family. We are waiting for OUR children. And I don't think that wanting the children that God has planned to be a part of our family is greedy. I think that's just part of my longing to fulfill God's plan for me. So there you go. Take it or leave it, that's the "gospel according to Brittany".

Somebody Stop Me!

Day 31 approved and waiting for our baby through the miracle of adoption

Today I have been CRAVING a plain double cheeseburger from McDonald's. Why? I have absolutely NO idea. Seriously, they're always practically dripping in grease, every time you take a bite more grease magically appears, and the buns are always soggy with... you guessed it... grease. Logically, I know that's super disgusting. So why does my mouth water just thinking about it? I'm so American! However, as I'm working on trimming down my figure, that cheeseburger is definitely not an option. Dang it! Instead, I will try to satisfy my craving with a salad or something.

Oh, and since I know you're all wondering, NO I AM NOT PREGNANT! Seriously, just knowing that some of you wondered that makes me giggle a little. HELLLLOOOO!! I'm infertile, people! :)

I know I know

Day 29 approved and waiting for our baby through the miracle of adoption

So I've been really quiet for the past week. To tell you the truth, we just haven't had much going on. Hopefully things will pick back up here soon.

I have a thought for my friends and family though. I feel it's quite wise, so hopefully you will too. :) As Malone and I have been going through this adoption process, the most frequent question we get is, "are you going to have an open or closed adoption?" Our reply has always been the same, "We want to be as open as the birth family feels comfortable with." Of course, if our birth family wants a CLOSED adoption, we would respect that decision. But if it were our choice, we would want it to be open. I know some of you out there find that surprising, and perhaps you might even have some wary feelings when it comes to open adoption. I think that's probably because of the common misconceptions when it comes to open adoption, but that's another discussion. So, in order to prepare you all for the time when we intend to welcome the entire birth family into our family (hopefully that's not too far away!), I want to share our feelings with you about open adoption.

A few weeks ago I had somewhat of a breakdown. It was just one of those days when I felt so resentful of my infertility. A common element of my prayers for the past 3+ years has been, "WHY? Why do I have to have infertility? Why do I have to go through this trial when it seems like EVERYBODY around me is as fertile as can be? Is this a punishment?" Lately as I've been thinking about it, I've realized that infertility has not been a punishment to me, but rather a blessing. Without infertility, we would not be on this road to adoption. Without infertility, we would not be able to be a part of a birth mother's life and she would not have the opportunity to be a part of ours. I guess I've just recently been impressed at how RIGHT our choice to adopt is. Adoption is meant to be a part of who our children are. And through us, adoption is meant to be a part of all of your lives as well.

Ok, one last thought. The agency we are choosing to go through is LDS Family Services. Their "slogan" (or logo or whatever you want to call it...) is "Adoption... It's About Love." The other day I was thinking about the different sources of love that slogan is referring to. It's talking about the love of the birth family for the baby, the love of the adoptive family for the baby, and the love of God for the baby. That really impressed me. Adoption REALLY is all about love.

Crazy Day

So today I saw my new RE/ObGyn. He is AMAZING. Seriously, it's so refreshing to talk to somebody who actually knows something about my issues. I feel sort of like I'm getting a fresh start. So, let me sum up my appointment for all of you who are interested. And if you're not... oh well- I'm summing it up anyway.

Dr. Reproductive genius is part of a team of doctors that is going to work to get me pregnant. I know that sounds awkward, but hey, it's true. He specializes in infertility (obviously) but even better, he specializes in PCOS. So after taking plenty of time to listen to all my medical history/questions/complaints he pretty much told me the doctors I have previously been treated by are crazy. Okay, so they're not crazy but they have been trying to treat me without having a clue about what the problems are. AKA, they were just reluctant to refer me to a specialist because they wanted my money. (I probably shouldn't be so cynical, but that's what it seems like.)

So here's the plan, I'm running through a ton of tests tomorrow, and he got me in for another appointment next week where the team of doctors and I will come up with an individualized health plan. He really feels confident that I will be able to achieve pregnancy again with their help, and it's really comforting that he is so optomistic. And one of the best parts? He knows the way my insurance works, and he let me know that he won't be doing anything that the insurance won't pay for. Hallelujah! Affordable infertility health care! I was beginning to think it was a myth.

On another issue, yesterday was mothers' day. It was my first mothers' day since my son died. I managed to keep myself from crying at church, and ended up being glad that I had decided to go.

One more thing, we heard from the apartment lady recently. She said that as soon as we pass the financial requirements, we're pretty much for sure going to get in. After that it's just paperwork and contract signing. So we should know by the end of next week-ish.

Finally!!! Progress!!!

We have FINALLY made a little progress in the infertility ring! I have hope for the first time in a long while. Today I found out our insurance covers most infertility treatments with the exception of IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). So, I immediately jumped on the phone to see if I could get in to see a specialist anytime soon. I got connected with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) a couple hours drive from here. So when I called, the receptionist was SO helpful. She knew more about PCOS than Dr. Wastes my time. And she's really helpful in letting me know how to dodge all the insurance bullets. AND the best part... she got me an appointment as soon as May 12th!!! I am so excited about this, I can't contain myself. I talked with a woman who saw this doctor and she said he's like a fertility guru. (I guess that's what I'll call him from now on.) She also said that because of Dr. Fertility Guru, she now has 2 chidren! I know I'll only be able to see him for 3 months before we move, but three months of treatment by a genius is better than none.

No good news, no bad news

Seriously, Dr. Wastes my time is such a pain. Yesterday was my appointment, and after waiting 2 hours in the waiting room, all she did was look at my BBT (Basal Body Temperature) chart. She basically said, well it doesn't look like you ovulated so you must not be pregnant. Do provera again to bring on menses, and then we'll up your clomid to the maximum dosage.

There are so many problems with everything she said. First of all, many times BBT's aren't even accurate in PCOS women. So Dr. is basing her assumptions on potentially inaccurate information. It's only been 28 days since Aunt Flow's last visit, so I haven't even technically missed a period yet. For all the Dr. knows, I could very well be pregnant. Or, I could very well get Aunt Flow without the help of the suicide bomber drug. (My friend coined that term, and it's so accurate because Provera realllllly screws with your emotions. Thanks friend!) Then, I tried to bring to her attention (AGAIN) that PCOS women aren't very responsive to clomid, and that I would like to try the femara. She told me she would look it up (that's what she said last time, but she didn't) and get back to me. In the meantime, I am supposed to wait to see if Aunt Flow will come. If it doesn't happen within the next week, I am supposed to go take a pregnancy test. At least I convinced Dr. Wastes my time to write me a scrip for a blood serum pregnancy test. That way I don't have to worry about the accuracy of a urine pregnancy test. Seriously, this is a mess. Hubby is finding out from our insurance today what they cover as far as infertility goes. I reallllly hope they will cover a specialist, because I'm done with Dr. Wastes my time. She's totally clueless. So essentially, this leaves me clueless as well. I guess in about a week we'll know more.

In other news, Malone is being transferred to the hospital closer to home. Thank goodness! That 45 minute one way drive to work was killer as far as budgeting for gas money. No kidding, last week alone we spent $83.00. That's in our little car that gets 32 mpg! There is something wrong with this world when we're paying $3.56 per gallon.

So Nervous

I am feeling so nervous right now. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment with "Dr. Wastes My Time." (I'm calling her that because she knows nothing about infertility and failed to inform me of this until last month.) Anyway, we are going to find out how the Clomid worked this past month. I'm not sure what to think, but I'm feeling pessimistic. If I'm not pregnant, I'm going to change doctors for SURE. If I am pregnant, I'll probably stick with Dr. Wastes My Time since she knows my pregnancy history and I know she has experience performing the cerclage I will need. I know she's a good OB doctor, but she has no clue about PCOS.

So that's pretty much it for now. Pray for me everybody!

Here We Go!

Okay, so I am just recently being turned on to blogging. I love being able to keep up with others on their blogs, so maybe friends and family will like keeping up with mine.

Anyway, today has been busy. We are trying to arrange for an apartment for when we go to Graduate school in August. We found the most amazing apartments, and we're dying to get in them. It's a 3 bed 2 bath duplex that is brand spanking new. So I received the application today, and it took me all morning and afternoon to get it completely filled out and faxed back. They wanted to know EVERYTHING about us. It was such a pain to dig up all the information they wanted. But I'm hoping that my prompt submission of our application will help get us in the first 12 apartments. Now I guess we just wait to hear back from them. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

On the infertility front, I did my third round of clomid this past month. Now my ovaries are hurting, but other than that, I'm not sure how it went. I have a doctor's appointment on May 5th to find out though. So, keep us in your prayers. But seriously, why does it have to be so dang hard to get knocked up? Grrr...

So, today when I was filling out the application for the apartment, one of the sections asked for our tax return from last year. On our tax returns we obviously have Gavin claimed despite the fact that he passed away. We checked, and this was the legal way we were supposed to do it. But then, when they asked us how many people were going to be living there, we said just the two of us. Obviously. So it was kind of awkward to have to explain on paperwork that our son died. Anyway, this is the craziness for today.