So much to celebrate

Merry Christmas everyone! Today Malone and I have so much to be thankful for. On the 17th of this month we celebrated our fourth anniversary. Our marriage is the greatest blessing we have been given. No matter how hard things get, we always have each other. For our anniversary, we did lots of fun things. Malone took me out to eat, we did some temple work, and then we went and looked at the beautiful lights at Temple Square. I've been there so many times, but I'm always in awe of how gorgeous it is at Christmas. My favorite feature of their Christmas decorations is the Nativity on the reflecting pond. They have floating lights surrounding statues of Mary, Joseph, and the baby Jesus right in front of the temple. Every time I see it, I am reminded of how thankful I am that God gave His son to us so that I can return to Him with my family.

Today we are also marking the 25th week of this pregnancy. I can hardly type that without crying. Clear back in August when we first found out that I was pregnant I kept telling Malone, "I will be so ecstatic if I am still pregnant on Christmas day." Well, here we are. And I was right. I am so ecstatic. And you know what? I'm still going strong.

Of course, I know who has given me these amazing blessings. My Heavenly Father and His Son. I am so grateful, especially today, for the knowledge I have of their love for me.

Anyhow, the following are pictures from our anniversary, me and Malone at 25 weeks, and a picture of the baby's first stuffed bear. It was special for Malone and I to go to Build A Bear to be able to buy this for her. We did the same for Gavin, and we've decided to make it a little tradition.

A Request

Today I spent about an hour reading through a blog that has really touched my heart. The blog is the story of a girl named Kim and her battle with leukemia. Kim is in our ward and her family has asked for prayers and fasting on her behalf because right now Kim is really struggling. Malone and I are going to be adding our prayers to theirs and Malone will be fasting for them. For those of you who can, please join Kim's family in prayer and fasting. To read Kim's story, visit her blog at http://kimbattlestheredrobot.blogspot.com.

The big 2-4!

Today is an exciting milestone in this pregnancy. Today I am 24 weeks along. When I was pregnant with Gavin I made it to exactly 24 weeks before my body just couldn't hold back anymore. So, every day from here on out is uncharted territory. I feel like every day from now on I am getting to experience something new. And I LOVE it.

Well Hello 23!

Today I am feeling... excited but extremely anxious. Today I am 23 weeks along in my pregnancy. In 3 days I will be as far along as I was with Gavin when they discovered that my cervix had failed. I can't wait to be past the next week. Next Friday I will be at 24 weeks, which is the point at which Gavin was born. I didn't realize how scary it would be for me right now. Sometimes it feels like I'm just a ticking time bomb. Some nights I have nightmares that are more like flashbacks to being in the hospital while they tried to stop the labor. But every morning when I wake up, I thank Heavenly Father that I'm still pregnant and I remember just how blessed we are to be anticipating this precious baby girl, and how blessed we are to have medical care this time to help me make it to the end.

The Good News

OK, I'm glad we have that bad news behind us. Now we can focus on the good stuff.

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment and an ultrasound. It feels like magic every single time I get to hear my little one's heartbeat, and in those moments I'm reminded yet again just how blessed Malone and I are to be expecting this miracle baby.

Anyhow, we are discovering that this little one of ours already has quite the personality. After the ultrasound lady slathered my belly in FREEZING cold gel, we were greeted with the cutest picture of our baby's legs- crossed at the ankles AGAIN. At this point I'm thinking, "SERIOUSLY?!? Are we really going to have to wait to find out until my next ultrasound?" The lady just laughed, jabbed my belly all over with the ultrasound wand for a while, and commented what a shy child we have. After some more uncomfortable jabs to the pelvis, and a lot of refocusing, she was finally able to get a clear shot. And guess what? We are so excited to find out that we are having a GIRL! We really couldn't be more thrilled! We're going to celebrate tonight by going out and buying her first outfit.

Unfortunately we couldn't get a clear shot of her face because she had her face buried in my back. The ultrasound lady said it was like she was embarrassed to show us her little bum. But we will try to get it at the next ultrasound.

Other than that, we found out that my cervix has shortened a little bit. Don't be alarmed though, because we were reassured that right now that's nothing to worry about. And let's face it, we all knew it was coming sooner or later, right? I also had high blood pressure (that has NEVER happened in my entire life!), but that's probably due to my anxiety level over the weekend. I'm sure that by the next appointment it will return to normal.

We are reassured after all this that my doctor feels very confident that I will AT LEAST make it to 26 weeks, and so far there is nothing to indicate that I will deliver before 36 weeks. My next appointment is in about 3 weeks. From now on, we'll be visiting the doctor more frequently and will have ultrasounds every 3 weeks or so.

Devastation

First of all, I just want to say that this is not an invitation for anyone to bash me and my husband or even our former birthmom, J. If that is your intention after reading this post, please have the decency to restrain yourself. This is simply an opportunity for Malone and I to inform our family, friends, and acquaintances of what is happening.

Now on to the hard stuff. I won't include all the details because, frankly, that would be kind of pointless. So here it is in all its ugliness:

J has decided not to place with us. She has not decided to keep the baby, but will be placing her with another family instead. Why? Well, that's the million dollar question. Malone and I are still confused about that ourselves. When we asked J why, her reply was (and I quote) "I don't feel that it's fair that you guys have everything and I'm getting nothing." There were a number of other things that were said to us, but they all tied back to the perception she has that we have things that she doesn't have.

Right now Malone and I are feeling that we've had the rug pulled out from under us. We feel confused, betrayed, used, lonely, hurt, frustrated, angry, etc... We don't know how to begin to overcome all of this loss... again. It's hard to believe or understand that in just four years we have had to cope with infertility, the death of our son, the failed adoption of Jaida, and the failed adoption of the baby we planned to name Bryleigh. But although this is excruciatingly painful and tremendously difficult, we will learn to move on. We are sort of becoming experts in coping with these kinds of things.

Although we are feeling very hurt, we are not hateful towards J and we don't want any of you to be either. There are issues (some of which are medical) that we have no control over. That doesn't excuse some behavior, but it does help us understand a little bit.

For now we are sort of just retreating to each other. We are giving ourselves permission to grieve privately. We aren't ready to face a lot of questioning. It's enough to know that you are all praying for us and thinking of us.

My guess is that some of you are thinking, "Well, can J change her mind?" Yes, she can change her mind. But at this point we feel that our best course of action is to move forward under the assumption that her decision is permanent. It makes it easier to move on that way. And we are allowing ourselves to celebrate the baby that I'm expecting. The fact that I'm pregnant does not take away the feelings of loss that we are experiencing, but it does give us hope. We are choosing to focus on the hope rather than the loss.

29 and 22

Day 293 Waiting for our miracle babies

Finally it's FRIDAY!!! Thank goodness! It has been a super long week. Today our birthmom, J, is at 29 weeks, and I am at 22 weeks. We are SO excited that this is J's last week in the 20's! She only has 8 more weeks until she's considered "full-term." That's right, only about 2 more months! I can't tell you how excited and anxious Malone and I are getting. As soon as Christmas is over we will be packing all the decorations and putting the boxes into the storage unit. Then we'll pull out all the boxes of baby stuff and get the nursery ready. I can't WAIT! Some of the things in those boxes have been waiting for a very very long time to be used. It's hard to believe that our little girl is really almost here.

As for me, I have been feeling anxious lately. Soon I will be 23 weeks along. When I was pregnant with Gavin, it was at 23 weeks 3 days that I went into the hospital and the doctor discovered that my cervix had failed. Getting close to that point is making me incredibly nervous. I am so excited to have made it this far however. Every time I feel the baby kicking I just want to cry because I never thought I would get to experience that feeling again. And I am super excited to go to my ultrasound appointment on Tuesday! Hopefully this time the baby will cooperate and let us see if we need to plan for a boy or a girl!

Featured

Day 292 Waiting for our miracle babies

Today I am excited because I get to feature our great friends, Rey and Dianna, who are hoping to adopt. We have gotten to know them over the past year at our "Couples In Waiting" group that we attend for FSA. And I can personally attest that they are AMAZING and will be AWESOME parents. One of the things I really respect about this couple is that even through their failed adoption this summer, they have always put their adoption journey in God's hands. They've been through some rough times, and we have been praying that their miracle baby will come to them soon. Anyhow, I am privileged to introduce to you, Rey and Dianna.

"We married at the LDS Salt Lake Temple, have been very happy together and hope to be forever. When we were married we wanted to start our family. However things have not turned out as we planned. Life's path has taken us the route of adoption. Even though adoption was not our original plan, we are very excited and are waiting for our first baby to come!" To view their profile with LDSFS click here. To view their adoption blog click here. To learn more about their story, view their family blog here. And while you're visiting their family blog be sure to check out the most ADORABLE little booties that Dianna makes! They are absolutely gorgeous. And the best thing is that she will sell a pair to you and the proceeds will help them to pay for their adoption!

If you are a hopeful adoptive family and would like to be featured on my blog, you can contact me at maloneandbrittanyadopt@gmail.com. Include a photo, a way to contact you, a link to your online profile/blog, and a short paragraph about your family. I will ask my contacts to spread the word for you. The only thing I ask in return is that you be sure to let your waiting friends know about this opportunity so that I can spread the word for them too.

Happy Holidays

Day 290 Waiting for our miracle babies

So, my sister and my brother-in-law always go cut down a real tree for Christmas. This year, they were super duper nice and got one for us while they were at it. We put it up a couple of days ago so I am now basking in the lovely scent of pine tree. Of course, we also put up our fake tree, so now our house looks like a forest! Anyhow, the tree was a "bit" bigger than I had expected. When we strapped it onto the top of our car to take it home, I was worried it was so big it might tip our car over. But it was so hilarious I just had to take a picture. It makes me giggle a bit every time I see it. Hope it puts a smile on your face too!